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Old 04-15-2013, 12:21 PM   #1
pineranch
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HUMOR Need a laugh?

A man brings his best buddy back home for dinner.
His wife screams at him, "my hair & makeup are not done, the house is
a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't
be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him
around for?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married...."

Mike
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Old 04-15-2013, 02:39 PM   #2
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That's cold
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Old 04-15-2013, 02:47 PM   #3
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Mike, you didn't let your DW see that did you??
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Old 04-15-2013, 04:21 PM   #4
Allen in MT
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Your Duck is Dead

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
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Old 04-15-2013, 04:29 PM   #5
Allen in MT
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Old guy and technology
Life just gets better as you get older doesn't it?

I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to pass some gas.

The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.

I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me….I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my Ipod……..

And how was your day?

This is what happens when old people start using technology!
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Old 04-16-2013, 02:35 AM   #6
pineranch
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Michelle,
After 45 years married and knowing me for 63 years, she cuts me a little slack once in a while.
Mike
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Old 04-16-2013, 04:18 AM   #7
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My turn, my turn.

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!”


The husband, typically non-romantic, replied, “I am on the commode. Please advise."
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Old 04-16-2013, 04:59 PM   #8
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I don't get it...coming dear!
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Old 04-18-2013, 08:09 AM   #9
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A son asked his mother the following question:

' Mom, why are wedding dresses white? ' The mother looks at her son and replies:

' Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.


'Dad why are wedding dresses white? '

The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

The husband is still in intensive care and the prognosis is not good!!!
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Old 04-18-2013, 02:24 PM   #10
Allen in MT
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After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.

Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
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Old 04-26-2013, 03:09 AM   #11
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This was all great. I should sit around the campfire more often.
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Old 04-26-2013, 05:43 AM   #12
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WARNING MINOR LANGUAGE. IF YOU WE BORN OR RAISED ON A FARM, NO BIG DEAL, JUST EVERYDAY LANGUAGE. PLEASE TAKE THIS AS THE HUMOR IT IS. NOT TRYING TO OFFEND ANYONE!!!!!!!!!!
.................................................. .............

Nordakota Cow




Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He needs a new milk cow and hears about one for sale over in Nordakota. (That would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out der). He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.

He reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the tit and pulls...the cow farts. Ole is surprised. He looks at the farmer selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another tit, pulls, and the cow farts again.. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion, Ole buys the cow and takes her home.

He gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor Sven, and says, ' Sven, come look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her tit, and see vat happens.'
Sven reaches under, pulls the tits - and the cow farts.
Sven looks at Ole, 'You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?'
Ole is surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip.
Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how'd yah know?'
Sven says, 'My wife's from Nordakota.'
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Old 04-26-2013, 07:59 AM   #13
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Aircraft radio communications:

Iranian Air Defense Site: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Air Defense Site: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'
Air Defense Site: ( .... total silence)
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Old 04-26-2013, 08:04 AM   #14
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Beware of us older folks:

An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Fifty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried.
So he calls up his sister.
She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.

The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay dear, they’re coming for Christmas and even paying their own airfares."
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Old 04-26-2013, 08:17 AM   #15
Alwims
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Quote:
quote:Originally posted by Gorgeguy

Beware of us older folks:

An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Fifty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried.
So he calls up his sister.
She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.

The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay dear, they’re coming for Christmas and even paying their own airfares."
This was an oldie, but a darn goody. We did this 5 years ago while we were in Montana. Wow the kids were sure mad, but they got over it. Warning though, you can only do this once in your lifetime. Thanks for the great memory Gorgeguy.
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Old 04-26-2013, 03:07 PM   #16
Allen in MT
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TECH SUPPORT

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities, such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Going To The Pub 7.5, and Softball 3.6

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my other favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.....

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REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men often complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to deleteWife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge, the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings: Alimony-Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application Yes Dear 2.7 to alleviate your program problems.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance! Wife 1.0 does come with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,
Tech Support
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Old 04-30-2013, 05:51 AM   #17
Alwims
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The Bridge
-------------------------

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord
said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous
bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly
exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to
justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of
something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time.

Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to
know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong",
and how I can make a woman truly happy."
..
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

.................................................. ...................

Offensive text removed = CRAFT-Guy
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Old 05-03-2013, 02:51 AM   #18
mrtgraz
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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not
happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....
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