Humor

[Waynem]

SMART A** ANSWER #6 -- It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters
Airline. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in
front. 'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART A** ANSWER #5 -- A flight attendant was stationed at the
departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended
her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART A** ANSWER #4 -- A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART A** ANSWER #3 -- The cop got out of his car and the kid who
was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting f or you all day,' the cop said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART A** ANSWER #2 -- A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, ' Low Bridge overhead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'

SMART A** ANSWER OF THE YEAR -- A college teacher reminds her clA** of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now clA**, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-A** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire clA** is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her he ad and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

[Waynem]

I just like a true story when they happen.

Well, when I put our fishing poles in the basement I must have shoved a little to hard and my wife's pole broke at the tip. Being the nice DH that I am I told her that I would go to Academy (sports store) and buy her another pole.

At Academy, I asked a clerk what a good poles would be and that it was for my wife. He replied, "Oh! I'd go with the 'Ugly Stick'." I just could not let that go by and told him that I was going to tell my wife what he said, and we both laughed.

When I returned to the CG my wife was outside with puppy and I got out and handed her the 'Ugly Stick,' and of course relayed the above story.

Then I addeed, "I didn't know you knew anyone oup here!"

Have you ever been beaten with an 'Ugly Stick'
========================================

For the not so informed, and the ladies, an Ugly Stick is a fishing rod made by Shakespear Comapny

[Waynem]

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say,"No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do... Write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

[The Oldguard]

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the
past year.

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without
using a paper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the
last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving
because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose.
(Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons of Tran’s fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the
floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every
envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.


I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch
the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.


I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support
our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,
Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it
bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped
in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain
gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this
afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to
grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a
friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has
discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with
their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Cherish yesterday - Dream tomorrow - Live TODAY

[Waynem]

Methodist Squirrels

There were four country churches in a small TEXAS town:
The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't nterfere with God s divine will.

In the BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Catholic group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back

But -- the METHODIST CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter .

[Waynem]

Top this for a speeding ticket .

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would
not reset and then turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base C ommander. The reply came back in true USMC style:

'Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident.

'You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

'Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.

'Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.

'The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his lower left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.

'Thank you for your concern. Semper Fi.'

[Waynem]

Law Enforcement - Dealing With The Public

[Waynem]

Lessons from Sunday school

LOT'S WIFE:
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'

GOOD SAMARITAN:
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?' A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?'
'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he with just two worms.'

HIGHER POWER:
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?' One child blurted out, 'Aces!'

MOSES AND THE RED SEA :
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. 'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.'
'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his mother asked.
'Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD:
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'

UNANSWERED PRAYER?
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'
'How come He doesn't do it?' she asked.

BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?'
The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'

UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?'
Tommy answered, soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did just then!'

TIME TO PRAY
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.
'Yes, sir,' the boy replied.
'And, do you always say them in the morning, too?' the pastor asked.
'No sir,' the boy replied. 'I ain't scared in the daytime.'

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS?
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say,'And all girls.' As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her,
'Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?'
Her response, 'Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'!'

SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. 'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother.
'I don't have to,' The boy replied.
'Of course, you do,' his mother insisted. 'We say a prayer before eating, at our house.'
'That's our house,' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!

[Waynem]

Quick Check for Alzheimer's

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School
of Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can read
each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age
cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.

2. This is is cat.

3. This is how cat.

4. This is to cat.

5. This is keep cat.

6. This is an cat.

7. This is old cat.

8. This is fart cat.

9. This is busy cat.

10. This is for cat.

11. This is forty cat.

12. This is seconds cat.

[Son of JVP]

quote:Originally posted by Waynem

Top this for a speeding ticket .

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar....

That's an internet hoax. Check it out here: http://www.snopes.com/horrors/techno/radar.asp

[Waynem]

Duh! It's in the HUMOR section. Thought it was funny.
Didn't you chuckle?

[Waynem]

This has to go in this Humor section. And, I don't make this stuff up!!!

This is too much -

ROCKING RUSSKIES

Written by To The Point News

Prepare yourself for this one - maybe with a Stoli martini or two.

Back in the days of the Soviet Union, the Soviet Red Army had an official choir composed of male soldiers and musicians. It still exists. The Red Army Choir performs throughout Russia to this day.

Now consider the Finnish rock band called The Leningrad Cowboys. A little while ago, they held a concert in Russia, in which - to the screaming applause of Russkie teen-agers - they got the Red Army Choir to join them on stage for a performance of "Sweet Home Alabama." In English. You couldn't make this up.

We're talking seriously off the wall here. Better have that Stoli ready when you watch it:

Sweet Home Alabama

[Waynem]

Genealogy

A little girl asked her father, "How did the human race appear?" The father answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.

"Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.

The confused girl returned to her father and said, "Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mama said they developed from monkeys?"

The father answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your Mama told you about hers."

[Waynem]

Blondes, don't blame me - I didn't make these up. But the are funny.

Blonde Jokes

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked he r w hat their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

[Wifeofdano]

This one is for everyone who...
a) has kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids.
I guess that means all of us!!


DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,'Daddy, look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, 'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied,
'What happened to my booger?'

[Waynem]

Three women; one engaged, one married and one a mistress are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men. That night, all three will wear a leather bodice (S&M style), stilettos and a mask over their eyes.

After a few days, they meet again. The engaged girlfriend said, "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 6 inch stilettos and mask. He looked at me and said: 'You are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long."

The mistress said, "Me too; the other night, I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he did not say anything.....but we had wild sex all night."

The married one said, The other night, I sent the kids to stay at my mother's. I got myself ready; leather bodice, super stilettos and a mask over my eyes. My husband came back from work, opened the door and said: "Alright, Batman, what's for dinner?"

[Waynem]

HEMA is a Dutch department store. The first store opened on November 4, 1926, in Amsterdam . Now there are 150 stores all over the Netherlands ... HEMA also has stores in Belgium, Luxemburg, and Germany . In June of this year, HEMA was sold to British investment company Lion Capital.

Take a look at HEMA's product page. You can't order anything and it's in Dutch but just wait a couple of seconds and watch what happens. This company has a sense of humor and a great computer programmer.

Or, someone had to much time on their hands.

[Waynem]

They don't make them like this anymore. (Watch Dean Martin with his cigarette)

Good Time Humor


More Good Time Humor

[richfaa]

Wayne.. We really enjoyed all those Russian videos..those guys are good.

[Wifeofdano]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible
out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored
it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little
hair he had left.

'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-45, pushing the pedal
even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state
trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought,
'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await
the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette,
looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.
If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The old gentleman paused. Then said, '5 years ago, my wife ran off
with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'

………. 'Have a good day, sir,' replied the trooper...