Humor

[Waynem]

Having to read every post that contains humor is taxing on my sanity. So I propose we use this thread to post humor. There is no need to reply, just sit back and post humor and read those that are posted. It keeps everything in one place and makes it easier for a good belly laugh. I'll start it:

[Waynem]

The difference between a new dog and a new wife?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

[Waynem]

SENIOR CITIZENS PARTY GAMES

1. Hide and Go Senile
2. Sag, Your It.
3, Kick the Bucket
4. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the doctor says bend over
6. Gumming for Apples
7. Doc, doc, prune juice
8. Spin the bottle of geritol
9. Simon says something incoherent.
10. Musical rocking Chairs

[Waynem]

I would do anything to be thin.

Except diet and exercise.

[Waynem]

Why bother with marriage?

Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

[Waynem]

Be kind to your children.

They pick your nursing home.

[Waynem]

Don't let life get you down.

That's what MEN are for.

(Just had to have one for the ladies.)

[Waynem]

At last, one with a good ending!





A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down..

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

(Waynem states: I found this joke - I did not create it.)

[Waynem]

Four retired Navy Chiefs are walking down the street window shopping. Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says VETERANS BAR over the doorway of an entry into an establishment that doesnt look all that well kept up. They look at each other then go in.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, Come on in and let me pour one for you! What will it be, gentlemen?

There seems to be a fully stocked bar so the men all ask for a martini.

In short time the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis - shaken not stirred and says, That will be 40 cents total, please.

The four Chiefs stare at the bartender for a moment then look at each other - they cant believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, Thats 40 more cents altogether, please.

They pay the 40 cents but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis and so far they spent less than a dollar together.

Finally one of the men says, How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?

The bartender replies, No doubt youve noticed the decor in here. And the outside aint nothin to write home about. I dont waste money on that stuff. But, heres my story. Im a retired Master Chief Boatswains Mate and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $45 million and decided to open this place for real veterans. Every drink costs a dime -- wine, liquor, beer, all the same.

Wow. Thats quite a story! says one of the Navy Chiefs. The four of them sip at their martinis and cant help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who dont have a drink in front of them and hadnt ordered anything the whole time the Chiefs were there.

The Chief finishes his martini and, gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, Whats with them?

The bartender says, Oh, those are retired Marines. Theyre waiting for happy hour.

[Waynem]

Questions andAnswers from an AARP Forum

Q: Where can women over the age of 60 find younger, sexy men who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid spotting wrinkles every time you walk by a mirror?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon. [True-True-True!]

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these."

[Waynem]

Please feel free to add to this thread and keep me laughing

[Waynem]

When gas prices reach $5 a gallon,
it should include car insurance

[Waynem]

Books, a nice change from reading prescription labels.

[don m]

Ok I will add to this....


Subject: Speeding.....


Top this for a speeding ticket:


Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, North of MCAS Miramar. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching near the crest of a hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked onto a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander.

Back came a reply in true USMC style:

Thank you for the message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, an air to ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment. Fortunately the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar was destroyed.

Thank you for your concerns.

[Waynem]

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

[Waynem]

A dog was resting in a campground and an RVer was reading nearby on a lawn chair.

"Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" a recently arrived camper asked. The RVer looked up over his newspaper and replied, "Nope."

Yet when the camper approached the animal, it began snarling and growling, and then attacked his legs. After pulling away from the crazed animal, he yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"

The RVer muttered, "Ain't my dog."

[Waynem]

Spotted in Seattle: a motorhome towing a small car with this sign on its back window: "I'm a good car. I go where I'm towed to go." -- Seattle Times

[Waynem]

I CAN RELATE TO THIS!!!
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A couple of elderly RVers who'd recently celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary were sitting on the sofa in their Airstream motorhome, when the wife said, "Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?" He moved over and sat close to her.

"Dear," she continued, "do you remember how you used to hold me tight?" He reached over and held her tight.

"And," she went on, "do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?" With that, her husband got up and started to walk toward the rear of the motorhome.

"Where are you going?" she asked. "Well," answered the husband, "I have to get my teeth."

[Bradln]

Wife to husband who is drinking whiskey for cold cure; "Well, if you're not breaking up your cold germs, at least you're showing them a good time."

[Bradln]

My wife has a "lead foot," so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were speeding through Georgia. Hoping to get off with a warning, she tried to appear shocked when the trooper walked up to the car.

"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer.

"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"