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Old 01-19-2008, 05:19 AM   #21
Wifeofdano
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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke' and turns to the ostrich, 'I'll have the same' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. 'That will be $9.40 please' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come in again and the man says 'Hamburger, fries and a coke'. The ostrich says 'I'll have the same'. Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad' says the man. 'Same' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says 'That will be $32.62' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well', says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appears and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there'.

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would have asked for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls-Royce, the exact money is always there' says the man.

The waitress asks 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big *** and long legs who agrees with everything I say'.

 
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Old 01-19-2008, 05:42 AM   #22
Waynem
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Ray, an RVer from Omaha, travels in his motorhome with a talkative but foul-mouthed parrot. One day in a campground near Gila Bend, Ariz., the bird's swearing got to be too much. So Ray grabbed it by the throat and yelled "Stop it!" But only minutes later, the bird was swearing again.

The next day, the bird yelled so loudly that the couple next door in a big fifth wheel stopped by to demand its silence. Desperate, Ray locked the bird in a kitchen cabinet. But it didn't help: the bird kept right on swearing. The next day, the bird was even worse. So, as a last resort, Ray tossed it into his spacious Dometic freezer. After five minutes, all was quiet. Worried the bird might be freezing, Ray took it out. "I'm sorry," confessed the suddenly polite bird. "I promise to never swear again."

Ray was astonished. He couldn't understand the change in attitude.

"By the way," asked the parrot, "what did the chicken do?"
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Old 01-19-2008, 05:54 AM   #23
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A young, pregnant RVer named Sally was involved in a traffic accident, but because she was riding in a sturdy Winnebago, she survived, although she was left in a coma. When she awoke a few days later in the hospital she was no longer pregnant! She asked her doctor, "What happened?"

He replied, "Sally, you had twins -- a boy and a girl. Your brother named them for you."

"Oh, no!" shrieked Sally. "Not my brother! His elevator doesn't go to the top floor, if you know what I mean!" The doctor replied, "Well, Sally, your brother named your daughter Denise."

"Whew, that's not so bad," she replied, looking very relieved. Then, hesitantly, she asked, "What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew," he said.
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Old 01-20-2008, 12:02 PM   #24
sunrisetosunset
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i can't tell a joke and won't even try........y'all just cracked me and my wife up...thanks so much......let's keep this up....
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Old 01-21-2008, 06:45 AM   #25
Waynem
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A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so
The magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and
Began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look,
it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the
Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning
Almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle
Of the sea, as fate would have it, with the parrot. They stared at each other
With hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... And then 2 days ... And then 3 days .

Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and
Said..... "OK, I give up. Where the heck is the ship?
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Old 01-21-2008, 01:14 PM   #26
Waynem
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Are their any humorous happy campers out there?
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Old 01-22-2008, 04:02 AM   #27
Waynem
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Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go
near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the
appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is
much more difficult to fly there."
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Old 01-22-2008, 07:46 AM   #28
Wifeofdano
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Senoir Citizen's Breakfast

It pays to think outside the box!
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special"
Was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.
"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents
Because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked
"YES!!" stated the waitress.
"I'll take the special then." my wife said.
"How do you want your eggs?" the waitress asked.
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home.
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!! We've been around the block more than once 1
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Old 01-22-2008, 11:35 AM   #29
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Joe and Ed were standing in the shallow end of a swimming pool at the Fountain of Youth RV park at California's Salton Sea, discussing how happy they were to be in sunny California rather than being back in the frigid North. As they were talking, Ed noticed something funny about his friend's ear. "Joe," he said, "do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Startled, Joe replied, "I have a suppository in my ear???"

"That's right," said Ed, "you have a suppository in your ear."

Joe immediately pulled it out, then said, "Thanks, buddy. I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I know where I put my hearing aid."
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Old 01-23-2008, 04:48 AM   #30
Wifeofdano
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A wise old farmer went to town to buy a pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price. After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paper work. The salesman handed the farmer the bill and the farmer declared "This isn't the price I saw". The salesman went on to tell the wise old farmer how he was getting extras such as power brakes and power windows, special tires and etc. and that is what took the price up. The farmer needed the truck badly, so he paid the price and went home.

A few months later, the salesman called the wise old farmer and said that his son needed a cow for his 4-H projuct and if he had any for sale. The farmer said "Yes, I have a few cows and I would sell them for $500 a piece. Come look at them and take your pick." The salsman came over with his son and after spending a few hours in the field checking out the farmer's cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500. The farmer said, "Now, wait a minute, that is not the final price of the cow. You're getting extras with it and you have to pay for that too." "What extras?" asked the salesman. Below is a list of the extras that the farmer gave the salesman...

Basic Cow $ 500.00
2 Tone Exterior $ 45.00
Extra Stomach $ 75.00
Product Storing Equipment $ 60.00
Straw Compartment $ 120.00
4 Spigots @10.00 each $ 40.00
Leather Upholstery $ 125.00
Dual Horns $ 45.00
Automatic Fly Swater $ 38.00
Fertilizer Attachment $ 185.00
GRAND TOTAL $1233.00

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Old 01-23-2008, 04:51 AM   #31
Wifeofdano
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"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775.00 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
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Old 01-23-2008, 04:53 AM   #32
Wifeofdano
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A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
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Old 01-23-2008, 04:54 AM   #33
Wifeofdano
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A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied, "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine."
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Old 01-23-2008, 04:58 AM   #34
Wifeofdano
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A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute!"
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Old 01-23-2008, 05:02 AM   #35
Wifeofdano
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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted on the apple tray: "Take ony ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
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Old 01-23-2008, 05:21 AM   #36
Wifeofdano
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WORDS TO LIVE BY

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to swipe your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

No one is listening until you fart.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everybody else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nodody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side and it holds the universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Never, under any circmstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
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Old 01-23-2008, 01:41 PM   #37
Waynem
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Stupid sign:

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my Montana into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my Montana, looks at me, and I SWEAR he asked, Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your "stupid" sign."
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Old 01-23-2008, 01:44 PM   #38
Waynem
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A RVing couple made a deal one night in their Montana that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact, Mary....Mary"

"Is that you Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

What's it like?

"Well I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice more. I have lunch, then another romp on the golf course, then sex for the rest of the afternoon.

After supper,golf course again. Then I have sex until late at night. The next day it starts all over again.

"Oh, Fred!! you surely must be in heaven!!!

Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Scottsdale, Arizona.
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Old 01-23-2008, 01:45 PM   #39
Waynem
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A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning before breaking camp and pulling out of the campground.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"
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Old 01-23-2008, 01:46 PM   #40
Waynem
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Just for the fun of it while attending their RV club rally they decided to attend a marriage seminar, held in the clubhouse, dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man,

"Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,

"It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
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