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Old 09-06-2008, 04:45 PM   #181
Waynem
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Hollywood Squares:

If`you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes.
These great questions and answers are from the Days when Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they Are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..


Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q.You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning

Q.Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q.As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q.Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q.Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do ?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q.When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh!

 
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Old 09-07-2008, 07:04 AM   #182
Waynem
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Ole the Medic

A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached
his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the
clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my
patients'.

'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: 'So, Ole,
how was your day?'

Ole told him that he took care of three patients.

'The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'

'Bravo, Mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.

Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the
doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.
Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra
and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't
seen a man in over two years!!

'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes.'
============

Edited: Ha! Ha! You just wanted this to be dirty, didn't you?
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Old 09-07-2008, 07:25 AM   #183
Glenn and Lorraine
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The answer to one of life's great mysteries! I haven't heard anyone explain this as well as the all-wise Cliff Clavin, on the sitcom Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm... "Well ya see Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. "In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the lowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer elimates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
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Old 09-07-2008, 07:28 AM   #184
Glenn and Lorraine
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Definition of Barbecue

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events is put into motion:

1. The woman goes to the store.
2. The woman fixes the salad, veggies, and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it in a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, 3rd beer in hand.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the veggies.
6. The woman comes outside to tell the man the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off" and upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there is no pleasing some women...

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Old 09-28-2008, 11:35 AM   #185
Waynem
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A Blonde goes to Bed Bath & Beyond to buy curtains.

She tells the clerk, 'I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.

The clerk assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. She shows her several patterns but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.

The clerk then asks what size curtains she needs.

The blonde promptly replies, "Seventeen inches."

"Seventeen inches?" asked the clerk. "That sounds very small. What room are they for?"

The blonde says, "They aren't for a room. They are for my new computer monitor."

The surprised clerk replies, "But Miss, computers do not need curtains!"

The blonde says, "Hellllooooooooo ... I've got Windoooooows......."
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Old 09-30-2008, 04:26 AM   #186
Ozzie
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An Atheist in the Woods

An atheist was walking through the woods.

"What majestic trees!"

"What powerful rivers!"

"What beautiful animals!"

He said to himself.


As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!" Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian"?


"Very Well," said the voice.


The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:








"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.
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Old 09-30-2008, 05:22 AM   #187
Waynem
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New E-Mail Virus

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.

It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960.

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
Done that!

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail!
That too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
Yep!

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
Who me?

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
Well, fooey!

6. Causes you to hit 'SEND' before you've finished.
Oh no - not again!

7. Causes you to hit 'DELETE' instead of 'SEND.'
And I just hate that!

8. Causes you to hit 'SEND' when you should DELETE.'
Oh No!

IT IS CALLED THE C-NILE VIRUS ! !


I hope that it doesnąt cause you to forget to delete the senderąs email address when you forward it.

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Old 09-30-2008, 06:18 AM   #188
Ozzie
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LOL...been there, done that...

Another bear joke:

Two hikers were walking through the woods one morning, when off in the distance they spotted a large grizzly bear headed directly toward them. One of the hikers immediately threw down his backpack, took out from it a pair of running shoes, and started changing from his hiking boots into the running shoes.

His friend asked him "do you think that wearing those you'll be able to outrun a grizzly?" To which he replied: "I don't have to outrun the grizzly. I just have to outrun you!"
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Old 10-01-2008, 03:00 PM   #189
Waynem
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PUN(s) INTENDED
===========
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class
because it was a weapon of math disruption.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little
behind in his work.

No matter how much you push the envelope,
it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was
cited for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would
result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race.
They ended up in a tie.

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
'Keep off the Grass.'

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said,
'No change yet.'

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison
was a small medium at large.

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray
is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.

When cannibals ate a missionary,
they got a taste of religion.
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Old 10-04-2008, 04:16 PM   #190
Waynem
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Well, maybe not so humorous!!
================================================

A few years ago Larry approached his Guadalajara neighbors and announced that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The neighbors, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

Larry bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the neighbors stopped their effort. He next announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of his neighbors and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!

Larry now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go in town on some business, Darren, his son, would buy on his behalf.

In the absence of Larry, Darren told the neighbors: "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that my dad has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when Dad returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

They never saw Larry or Darren again, only lots and lots of monkeys!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works. Wanna buy a monkey?
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Old 10-05-2008, 10:13 AM   #191
Waynem
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As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember



Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written
An impressive new book. It's called ..........
"Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

==========

Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink
And be Mary .

==========

The difference between the Pope and
Your boss, the Pope only expects you
To kiss his ring.

==========

My mind works like lightning, One brilliant
Flash and it is gone.

==========

The only time the world beats a path to
Your door is if you're in the bathroom.

==========

I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.
The seat folded up, the drink spilled and
That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

==========

It used to be only death and taxes
were inevitable. Now, of course, there's
Shipping and handling, too.

==========

A husband is someone who, after taking
The trash out, gives the impression that
He just cleaned the whole house.

==========

My next house will have no kitchen - just
Vending machines and a large trash can.

==========

A blonde said, "I was worried that my
Mechanic might try to rip me off.

I was relieved when he told me all
I needed was turn signal fluid."

==========

Definition of a teenager?
God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

==========

As you slide down the banister of life, may
The splinters never point the wrong way

==========
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Old 10-21-2008, 03:39 PM   #192
Ozzie
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Important Health Advice for Women

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your
doctor or pharmacist about Chardonnay.

Chardonnay is the safe, natural way to feel better and
more confident about yourself and your actions. Chardonnay
can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the
world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Chardonnay almost
immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can
overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the
life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and
you will discover many talents you never knew you had.
Stop hiding and start living, with Chardonnay.
Chardonnay may not be right for everyone.

Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Chardonnay.
However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are
encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting,
incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control,
loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity,
delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache,
dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and
play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and
Naked Twister.

WARNINGS: -

* The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you
are whispering when you are not.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to tell
your friends over and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to think
you can sing.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may lead you to believe
that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them
at four in the morning.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you
can logically converse with members of the opposite sex
without spitting.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may create the illusion
that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking
than most people.

Now Just Imagine What You Could Achieve With a Good Dry
Red!!!
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Old 10-22-2008, 02:10 PM   #193
ARJ
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I was so depressed last night thinking about the up coming election, I called Lifeline.


Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan and I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
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Old 12-01-2008, 04:41 AM   #194
Waynem
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I just want to thank all my friends and loved ones for the educational emails over the past year... Because of 20 of your warnings I live in a zip-lock plastic bag with clean oxygen piped in after passing through 18 filters which are replaced each hour.

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking your nose.

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats and high fructose corn syrup I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program .

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.Teresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaieda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for or which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I no longer have my car serviced or repaired, because the mechanic will make a copy of my house key, and come at night and rape me.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a rapist waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a great day!
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Old 12-01-2008, 09:58 AM   #195
Waynem
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Supposedly these are Nashville, TN 's REAL 911 Calls

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

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Old 12-16-2008, 06:24 AM   #196
Waynem
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The Amazing Flying Dog

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Old 12-22-2008, 05:38 AM   #197
Waynem
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Diary Of A Snow Shoveler
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Old 12-23-2008, 03:25 AM   #198
Waynem
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If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the HOV2 lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
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Old 12-30-2008, 05:48 AM   #199
Waynem
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M.O.C. #7673
SUNDAY CLOTHES
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

'Hello,' said the little boy

'Hi,' replied the little girl.

'Where are you going?' asked the little boy.

'I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,' answered the little girl.

'I'm also on my way home from church.
Which church do you go to?' asked the little boy.


'I go to the Baptist church back down the road,' replied the little girl.
'What about you? '

'I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill,' replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way
so they decided that they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

'If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive,' said the little girl.

'My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,' replied the little boy.

'I tell you what I think I'll do,' said the little girl. 'I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.'

'That's a good idea,'replied the little boy.
'I'm going to do the same thing with my suit.'

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked:

'You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a BAPTIST and a METHODIST!!!


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Old 12-31-2008, 03:48 AM   #200
Waynem
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Texas City
Posts: 5,736
M.O.C. #7673
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found? A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt .'

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses? A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: 'Gosh, I remember these.

SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor, right?
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