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Old 05-25-2008, 06:12 AM   #161
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Send a message via MSN to Ozzie
LOL...I got one too...

Four Worms and a Lesson

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would
add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive

So the Minister asked the congregation -
What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service.
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Old 05-25-2008, 11:00 AM   #162
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Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked,
'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front &
tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years &
not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,
faced the congregation, and said:

'I outlived the bitches.'
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Old 05-30-2008, 06:58 AM   #163
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The Average American

A recent study conducted by Harvard University found that the average
American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study by the American Medical Association found that
Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

This means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be An American.
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Old 06-04-2008, 05:33 AM   #164
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Garfield on the oil crisis

A lot of folks can't understand how we came
to have an oil shortage here in our country.


Well, there's a very simple answer.


No body bothered to check the oil.


We just didn't know we were getting low.


The reason for that is purely geographical.


Our OIL is located in






Coastal Florida


Coastal Louisiana












are located in

Washington , DC!!!

Any Questions???

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Old 06-20-2008, 04:56 AM   #165
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I became confused when I heard these terms which reference the word

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
T.V. 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
City & County Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had
hired a bull to 'service' a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into
perspective. I now understand what all those 'service' agencies are
doing to us.

I hope you are as enlightened as I am.
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Old 08-05-2008, 06:21 AM   #166
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Y'all have given up on the HUMOR Thread.
I came out of church one day and had two black eyes that I didn't have when I walked in.

Bumped into a friend and they asked what happened.

I told him that when we stood up to sing, the lady in front of me had her skirt tucked up her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and popped me one.

He asked how I got the second black eye.

I told him that I figured she didn't like it, so I reach out and tucked it back up!

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Old 08-05-2008, 09:54 AM   #167
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During the Revolutionary War, there was a small encampment of patriot soldiers the woods. Before they went to bed that night, they tied chickens (they were saving them for a special meal when needed) to the trees around the campground.

Sure enough, some British soldiers were stumbling through the woods that night and frightened the chickens. Their screams and clucks woke the
Patriots and they were able to defeat and capture the entire group of British soldiers. A few nights later, the cook prepared the chickens for dinner.

The soldiers said, "This is really good. What do you call it?"

The chef said that in honor of these special chickens who saved their lives, he called it "Chicken Catch a Tory"
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Old 08-05-2008, 10:34 AM   #168
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The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Ole and Sven were taking a vacation in Sven's new Monty. As usual, they'd become lost and were wandering around a strange town trying to find the highway. Sven was just starting down a grade to go under a bridge when he slams on the brakes.

Ole: Vat da heck you do dat for, Sven?

Sven: Dat sign dere says "Low Bridge. No Vehicles Over Twelve Feet High." Dis here Monty is t'irteen feet!

Ole: Cripes almighty Sven, dere ain't no cops around. Yust hit da gas pedal and go for it!

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Old 08-05-2008, 10:48 AM   #169
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean
they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a
mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming
pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool
and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately
ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be
mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad
news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person
you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news
is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you
saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go
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Old 08-12-2008, 06:25 AM   #170
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A blond from California walked into a bank in New York City and asked
for the loan officer.

She told the loan officer that she was going to Bakersfield on
business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that she was not a
depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told her that the bank would need some form of
security for the loan, so the blond handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.

The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The blond
produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold
the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12%

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh
at the blond for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the blond returned, repaid the $5,000 and the
interest of $23.07.

The loan officer said, 'Miss, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?

The blond replied, 'Where else in New York City , can

I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there
when I return?'

Post note: wm/I have never met a blonde like this: Rich and intelligent.
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Old 08-12-2008, 05:15 PM   #171
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A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the
beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at
the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor
was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing;
she would approach people who were sitting on the
beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she
would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod
and there would be a quick exchange of money and
something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and
debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know
for sure, they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have
you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with
boom boxes and other electronic devices?'

He hadn't -- and said so.

Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and
our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can
find out what she's really doing.'

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife
was almost hopping up & down with anticipation when
she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.

The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at
the road.

'Well, Is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly.

'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more
than he should have.

'Well, what is it then? What does she do ?' his wife
fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery

'Batteries?' cried the wife.

'Yes ...' he replied

She sells C cells by the seashore
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Old 08-12-2008, 05:34 PM   #172
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Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange trees. The pond was ideal for swimming, although he rarely did that anymore.

One evening he decided to go down to the pond, as he h adn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket with which to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Moral: Old men can still think fast.
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Old 08-15-2008, 04:15 AM   #173
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Baptizing the Bear

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would All go up to the Smokies, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So, I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb.

The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip.

In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, 'WELL brothers, you KNOW that WE don't sprinkle!

I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So right quick-like, I DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.

We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus '

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of
him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, 'Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.'
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Old 08-15-2008, 04:40 AM   #174
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A man got on a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat
down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said,

"It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time,
thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,
she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
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Old 08-18-2008, 05:13 AM   #175
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The Wisdom of Larry the cable guy......

The wisdom of Larry the cable guy......

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow
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Old 08-18-2008, 10:10 AM   #176
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Retirement plans compared...
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Airlines stock you would have $49.00 left.

If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.

But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $214.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

This is called the 401-Keg Plan.
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Old 08-24-2008, 05:02 PM   #177
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Old Timer Sex
This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first
time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the
village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made
love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we
can do it for old time's sake?

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation
and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to
see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep
an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for
support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the
tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt
and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence,
the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious
sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten
minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is
amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age
that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old
couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The
policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was
something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is
there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that
wasn't an electric fence.
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Old 08-25-2008, 12:58 PM   #178
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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started....

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt". So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, "you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too."

And then the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started...
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Old 09-02-2008, 03:53 AM   #179
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A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says:

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bull**** and brilliance only come with age and experience.
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Old 09-02-2008, 12:34 PM   #180
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Girlie Wisdom!
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.*

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.**

One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.*

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knicker's.

Amazing! *You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
Skinny people irritate me! *Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' .....Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. *You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!*

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? *That's my idea of a perfect day!
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