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Old 02-11-2008, 02:30 AM   #81
Waynem
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When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.

Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly.

"We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
 
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Old 02-11-2008, 02:28 PM   #82
tom41
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Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it.

If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time,"
(I just LOVE reading this next line again and again.)
GOD is missing, and they think we did it
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Old 02-11-2008, 03:17 PM   #83
tom41
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Who Wants To be A Millionaire?

My wife and I were watching

"Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"

while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said,

"Do you want to have sex?"

"No!" she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

"Yes!" she replied.

Then I said, "I'd like to phone a friend."

That's the last thing I remember.

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Old 02-11-2008, 03:30 PM   #84
tom41
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Home Security

I hired a guard that patrols the area for door to door salespeople, certain religious groups, and beggars. I'm sending you a picture of her so you will know her when you come to visit. Click on the guard below.
http://img502.imageshack.us/img502/8...nggrans1jy.swf
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Old 02-12-2008, 10:08 AM   #85
Waynem
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My Job History....

My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned.
I couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
Mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

Next, I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a Workout Center, BUT THEY SAID I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work! I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND THAT I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
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Old 02-12-2008, 11:07 AM   #86
HughM
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My first job was a elevator operator but I was fired beacause I never learned the route.
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Old 02-12-2008, 11:29 AM   #87
jfarmer
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Another speeding story...................

A traffic officer stops a man for excessive speed.....
"Do you know how fast you were going?".....
"But officer, its a matter of life and death!".....
"Life and death, good God man, what is it?"......
"Waiting at home for me is a beautiful nude woman"....
"What's that got to do with life and death?"......
"Well, if my wife beats me home, I'm a dead man...."
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Old 02-12-2008, 01:39 PM   #88
gitrdun
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Two pirayes walk into a bar. The pirate looks at the other and says, ar mate you look horrible. You have a peg leg, a hook on one arm and a patch on one eye.
The other pirate replies; Mate I got the peg leg when I fell off the ship and as they were pulling me back on a shark bit off my leg, and when I lost my hand I was in a battle and got it cut off by a sword, and I lost my eye when a pigeon pooped in my eye as it flew over me.
Ar mate, you mean you lost your eye from pigeon droopings?
No mate it was the first day I had my new hook.
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Old 02-13-2008, 01:55 PM   #89
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Old 02-15-2008, 11:03 AM   #90
Waynem
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HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+!


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Old 02-20-2008, 11:25 AM   #91
Waynem
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More Fishing With Bill Dance
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Old 02-20-2008, 12:25 PM   #92
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After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the misses felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?

"I found the remote," he mumbled.

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Old 02-23-2008, 04:46 AM   #93
Waynem
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I didn't want to capture the Moon Eclipse thread, so I am posting here in this thread.

We also were under cloud coverage and was not able to see the eclipse.

So, I got out the spot light and placed a large beach ball on the picnic table outside. I asked the wife to bend over and touch her toes and shuffle right to left.

had the same effect.

(NO EMAILS TO MY WIFEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH she was looking over my shoulder)
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Old 02-24-2008, 08:13 AM   #94
Bradln
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TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH...

10. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.

9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.

8. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

7. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

5. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.

4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

3. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.

2. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
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Old 02-27-2008, 04:13 AM   #95
Waynem
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AS YOU SLIDE DOWN THE BANNISTER OF LIFE, REMEMBER.....

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
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Old 02-29-2008, 12:41 PM   #96
Bradln
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You Are No Longer "Cool" When.....

You find yourself listening to talk radio.

You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.

The pattern on your shorts and couch match.

You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.

You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide- inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.

You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.

You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.

When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.

When jogging is something you do to your memory.

Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.

All the cars behind you flash their headlights.

You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.

You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.

You actually ASK for your father's advice.

You don't know how to operate a fax machine.

When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.
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Old 03-02-2008, 07:02 AM   #97
Waynem
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"Editor:

The buzzword of this election is "change." Candidates toss it around without saying WHAT THEY WANT TO CHANGE TO.

Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a lieutenant who inspected his Marines and told the "Gunny" that they smelled bad. The lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear.

The "Gunny" responded, "Aye,aye, sir. I'll see to it immediately." He went into the tent and said, "The lieutenant thinks you smell bad and he wants you to change your underwear. Smith, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowskie, Brown, you change with Schultz ..."

A candidate may promise change in Washington but the accumulated stink of years will remain. Semper fi,
Col. James "Wes" Hammond, Jr.
USMC (Ret.) Reno "
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Old 03-02-2008, 03:12 PM   #98
tom41
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A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.

"that sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks" the girl says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right.......but then I wouldn't have a siren."





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Old 03-04-2008, 03:29 AM   #99
Waynem
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It doesn't matter what your affiliation is, THIS IS FUNNY.

New National Currency

Thanks Jim.
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Old 03-04-2008, 06:22 AM   #100
Skip
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I have always been taught to respect my elders. The only problem is that they are getting harder to find.
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