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Old 05-19-2011, 06:47 PM   #261
HOOK
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M.O.C. #11401
Three young preachers graduated from "Publc Speaking 101". Their teacher said , "before you ca get your diploma you must preach a sermon to a Grizzly Bear". A cuople of days later he visited them in the hosp. He asked for reports. 1st one is Pentacostal....says"it was tough for a while untill I grabbed him, took him under water in the river, and baptized him.... he came up as gentle as a lamb". 2nd is Catholic..."it was tough with mine also untill I remembered to sprinkle him with Holy Water....he becamas gentle as a lamb". 3rd one Jewish...in much worse condition says..."I really don't think he wanted to be circumsized".
 
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Old 05-20-2011, 12:42 PM   #262
Exnavydiver
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A Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms.
Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in
his mouth. "Frogs are good bass bait," I thought to myself.


Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him
right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Just then, I realized I had a problem: how was I going to release the snake
without getting bit?
So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey
in its mouth.
The snake's eyes rolled back and he went limp.
I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge at my foot. There was that same snake
with two more frogs in its mouth.
Life is good in the South.
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Old 05-23-2011, 05:58 AM   #263
Gorgeguy
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An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam.. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.

I just bought this hat yesterday! ‚ÄĚ
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Old 05-23-2011, 06:04 AM   #264
Gorgeguy
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> Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a
> (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is these are the codes for you.
>
> ATD: At The Doctor's
> BFF: Best Friend Farted
> BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
> BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
> CBM: Covered By Medicare
> CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
> DWI: Driving While Incontinent
> FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
> FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
> FYI: Found Your Insulin
> GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
> GHA: Got Heartburn Again
> HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
> IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
> LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
> LOL: Living On Lipitor
> LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
> OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
> OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
>
> CGU: Can't Get Up
> SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
> TTYL: Talk To You Louder
> WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
> WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
> WTP: Where's The Prunes?
> WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
> GGLKI: Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
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Old 05-25-2011, 01:50 PM   #265
Gorgeguy
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TO COSTCO ---

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out
of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.
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Old 05-26-2011, 03:43 PM   #266
pineranch
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"An Islamic Terrorist is like a penguin....
Life is good until the SEALS show up"
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Old 06-10-2011, 02:46 AM   #267
patbarton
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During a recent password audit by Microsoft & Google, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacrame nto"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
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Old 06-11-2011, 01:11 PM   #268
pineranch
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Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years - I think Bin Laden called the US Navy Seals himself.
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Old 06-14-2011, 06:58 AM   #269
Gorgeguy
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CONFUSED


I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.
I would hope that you are now just as enlightened as I am.
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