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Old 06-23-2009, 08:18 AM   #241
Army Guy
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Location: Fulltiming
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M.O.C. #5508
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right
thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.

She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life'license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk; naturally...

I assumed you had stolen the car .''


__________________________________________________ ________________________

Three cowboys are sitting around the campfire out on the lonesome prairie; with the bravado for which each is famous, it is a night of tall tales.
Tim, the guy from MONTANA says, 'I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy
there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men
before I wrestled
it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that
sucker with my teeth.'

J.P.,the guy from ARIZONA, couldn't stand to be bested. That's nothing, 'I was walking
down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a
rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit its head
off and sucked the poison down in one gulp and didn't even get a belly ache.'

Ray, the cowboy from NEBRASKA remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals
with his pecker.
************************************************** *************************

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted, The End.

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Old 06-24-2009, 07:14 AM   #242
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Just had to post this for you. It is a experiment for men but women might like it, too.


This really works...!
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?

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Old 07-24-2009, 02:32 AM   #243
Allen in MT
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M.O.C. #7615
On the first day,God created the dog and said Sit all day by the door of your home and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.For this,I will give you a life span of twenty years.

The dog said That's a long time to be barking.How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten.

So God agreed.

On the second day,God created the monkey and said:

Entertain people,do tricks and make them laugh. For this,I'll give you a twenty year life span.

The monkey said Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to preform. How about I give you back ten years like the dog did?

And God agreed.

On the third day,God created the cow and said:

You must go into the fields with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun,have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.For this,I will give you a life span of sixty years.

The cow said: That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?

And God agreed.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

Eat,sleep,play,marry and enjoy your life.For this,I'll give you twenty years.

But man said: Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back;that makes eigthy,okay?

Okay, said God, You asked for it.

So this is why for the first twenty years we eat,sleep,play and enjoy ourselves.For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone comes by.
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Old 07-27-2009, 03:31 PM   #244
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Meet Marvin
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Old 08-10-2009, 11:13 AM   #245
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George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team,a Heli copter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Don't mess with old people.
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Old 08-18-2009, 12:10 PM   #246
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Police Answering Machine
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Old 08-19-2009, 03:08 PM   #247
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(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when
you enter the trailer park."

(8) The tongue depressor taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple a day..."

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to
Goodwill last month.

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges,"
is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.


(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct Tape.


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Old 08-26-2009, 03:17 PM   #248
Britney 10
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Was asked to put this here so here it is hope you like it.. I think it is very funny...
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Old 02-24-2010, 05:40 AM   #249
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$5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.

I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me.

He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet! A mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"

I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind.

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!

It could happen to anyone!" I turned and headed back to the truck.

I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror..

I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later, I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time.

There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point, I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy, and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanket.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- READ BELOW !

Notice the larger type?

That's for those of us who have trouble reading.

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Old 09-09-2010, 03:41 AM   #250
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It's been awhile since I have posted in the HUMOR thread:

"Flat Tire"

Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his
left rear tire suffers a flat. While Jones is changing the tire,
another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which
Jones was keeping the lug nuts. the nuts are all knocked
into a nearby storm drain.

Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call
a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital
fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the
whole thing.

"Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each
of the other three wheels? That'll hold your tires on until
you can get to a garage or something."

Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but
realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire
without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the
patient. "You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why
do they have you in there?"

The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy,
not because I'm stupid."
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Old 02-06-2011, 07:20 AM   #251
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A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 15 seconds or so, he puts the book down grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on his head with his right hand. His mother says, "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while."

Billy says, "I'm fine, mommy. I just haven't gone to potty yet."

Mother says, "Okay, you can stay here a few more minutes, but billy why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

Billy Says, "Works for ketchup."
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Old 02-07-2011, 03:02 AM   #252
Captain Joe
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Location: Hollister
Posts: 1,043
M.O.C. #10764

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.
You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed
in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation
coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.

They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.

But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something
you should discuss with your wife.

If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.

If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now,
she might be disappointed.

It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife..

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes, I have," says the man."And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops."

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Old 02-07-2011, 11:41 AM   #253
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M.O.C. #5192
Three female housemates were very surprised when a genie popped out of a new lamp they had purchased. The genie said, "If you can say something truthful and great about yourself you can have whatever you wish. If what you say is untrue, you will be taken away."

The brunette said, "I think . . . . I'm the smartest woman in this town." Poof, she disappeared.

The redhead said, "I think . . . . I'm the best looking woman in this town." Poof, she disappeared.

The blond said, "I think . . . ." Poof, she disappeared.
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Old 02-07-2011, 01:20 PM   #254
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Location: Navarre
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M.O.C. #9765
A blonde & her husband are lying in bed
Listening to the next door neighbor's dog..
It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed
And her husband says, "The dog is still barking,
What have you been doing?"

The blonde says,
"I put the dog in our backyard,
let's see how THEY like it!
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Old 02-11-2011, 02:08 AM   #255
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M.O.C. #6162
A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked , "What's this, Paw?"

The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Maw!"
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Old 02-14-2011, 03:42 AM   #256
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M.O.C. #9765

Sally was driving home from one of her business
trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, until she noticed a brown bag on
the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's
a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she said:

'Good trade.....'
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Old 02-27-2011, 01:34 PM   #257
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M.O.C. #9765
A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted night sleep.
NEW Wine for Seniors
I kid you not...
New Wine for Seniors

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as


I just could not help it.
Sorry !
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Old 03-04-2011, 04:36 PM   #258
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M.O.C. #10151
A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back.

He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.

The smart aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.

.....Dead silence... He had no trouble with discipline that year.

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Old 05-12-2011, 11:17 AM   #259
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(From the Reader's Digest, March, 2011)

If you are always straightening things you have OCD.
If you are always eating things you have OBCD.

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Old 05-12-2011, 11:29 AM   #260
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(From Reader's Digest, March, 2011) A little lengthy but good. When I first heard this it was applied to blonds.

Louie and his wife are listening to the radio when they hear the weather report: "A snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd-numbered side of the street." So Louie gets up and moves his car.
Two days later - the same thing: "A snow emergency has been declared," blares the radio. "Park your cars on the even-numbered side of the street." Louie gets up and does what he's been told.
Three days later: "There will be a foot of snow today. Park your cars on the ...," and then the power went out.
"What should I do?" a confused Louie asks his wife.
"This time," she says, "why don't you just leave the car in the garage?"

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