Theoretically... You get THE CALL... - Montana Owners Club

dsprik · 08-23-2005, 04:09 PM

I don't generally like to dwell on the negative. However, I have some concerns and this has crossed my mind more than once since we decided that we are going to go FT. My mom is in the late stages of dementia, and my dad, while still fairly healthy at 77, he has been in the hospital for brief stays seven or eight time in the last two years. My two sisters are in the area. But, If get the dreaded phone call from Northern Mich. of an urgent medical situation, or worse, and I am sitting in the sun in FL or AZ, what should I plan for? Plane tickets (last minute at over $1,000 each)? Get in your vehicle and drive for 2 to 3 days straight? Or what? I know many of you have had to deal with this situation. I need to have some comfort in a backup plan. I have none now. The "don't worry about until it happens" way of thinking doesn't work for me. I know a weekend or week or two vacation is one thing, but when you are gone for months at a time, like we will be in the winter months, we are really increasing the likelihood of this happening. Any suggestions?

campbud · 08-23-2005, 04:32 PM

We dont fulltime but I understand your concerns. Both my parents have passed away from lengthy illnesses. There were times when we could not be with them and we lived only 20 miles away. Let your parents know that you love and care about them and will try to be there when possible. Sad as it is there is nothing we can do to prevent urgent medical situations or worse death. Maybe you can put some money up for emergency only, so if there is one you will be ready. It is nice that you still have your sisters to whom will contact you and let you know what is going on. I can only say try not to worry and take one day at a time.

richfaa · 08-23-2005, 06:03 PM

My father Passed away two years ago, Alzheimer's, a cruel disease, it robs you of your dignity, then kills you.My Mother died last year, dementia and just plain old age..he was 92, her 91. In addition both of Helen's parents passed on, all of this over a period of 8 years//1996 to 2004. Helen and I, because of location, had the primary responsibility for all of them, Assisted living homes, nursing homes, legal issues. It was our responsibility to care for them just as it was their responsibility to care for us. During those years Helen and I never went far from home and never for very long. With my Parents I also had two sisters.One in washington,D.C, one sort of near our parents in Pa and us here in Ohio.I would sit down with your siblings and devise a plan to care for your parents and assign responsibility's.In our case The D.C sister, married to a Doctor and a clinical physiologist herself took the lead in medical issues. I took the lead in Legal and Financial issues and our near Sister dealt with the day to day issues, visiting, conferences, etc..(the hardest tasks) we co-ordinated via E mail and conference calls, It worked. It is important that you and your siblings work together towards a common goal.Maintaining the best quality of life, with dignity, that you can for your parents. If you can come up with a workable plan and agreeable responsibilities there is no reason why you can't go on with your plan of F.T. Helen's parents were here in Ohio and we had total responsibility for them.That is why we chose to stay close.

RC and Samantha · 08-23-2005, 06:44 PM

Dave and Cheryl,

Just thought I would share something that someone told me once. If you alert the Airlines to your dilemma and can prove it either by a physician or hospital affidavit or heaven forbid have to go to a funeral last minute and you provide them with the obituary or the funeral card, they will give you a better price on the fare.

Dick and I use a World Perks Visa for all purchases so we can add up flyer miles. That way we have a couple of tickets at our disposal if we need them. (We almost needed them this summer while on vacation in Montana as one of our daughters was ill.) We pay that Visa off every month and if we need to really charge something we use a completely different card.

I don't know if these suggestions will help ease your mind or not, but I am sure your parents wouldn't want you NOT to fulfill your dreams.

Patty

Parrothead · 08-23-2005, 07:56 PM

The main reason that we are still here in our stick house in Hemet is this is where my 87 year old Mother is. I promised my Daddy I would take care of her and even if I hadn't promised, I would. But if you had known my Daddy you'd understand why I mention that. He was a Lt. Col. and very large. I am now an only child having lost my only sibling 25 years ago to cancer. We will go for several weeks or maybe a month but no longer for now. We always have a credit card available for a plane ticket. When my Uncle died in Wichita several years ago, we got discount tickets with United. We always have our cell phone on and we have OnStar so can always be reached. You are all fortunate to have siblings. Guess this is a agrument for large families. I have 4 daughters and I am assuming they will take care of me someday.

CountryGuy · 08-24-2005, 02:58 AM

That call that mom is in the hospital is a scary moment! Had it happen to us several times. Here are our back up plans

1.) Always have a PLAN and carry a back pack in Montana. If you have to fly home, pack enough for a day or two. Al keeps a few clothes and necessities at his mom's house, that will get him a few more days. We live about an hour away from her, so if it were a real bad situation he would not come home, just do what ever he had to do to get by. Due to the pet situation I cannot fly home with him. I can tow Montana, if necessary, to get the 5er home, or I can just drive the truck home, and we can go back for Montana. The first time we got that kind of call Al was very upset, but I had a plan in the back of my mind, and once I explained it to him, he relaxed. Plan: back pack, put Carol and RV in a safe park for starters, put Al on plane.

2.) As campbud points out, spend time with your parents, let them know you love them. Al spends a good deal of time with his mom when we are home. He works on her house, takes her shopping, to the doctors, etc. He knows her doctors, and they also know that we travel. They take that into consideration during crisis care.

3.) Talk it over with your spouse and your parents. Al and his mom have an understanding. If the final days come, and she would pass before we get home, sad as that may be, they are both prepared for it. She does not want to stand in his way of what he wants to do (travel) and he will have no regrets. Al and I have talked about it at length as well, and I know he would be sad, but no regrets!

Many families are seperated by thousands of miles and have to deal with serious sickness and death. Plan ahead and have no regrets.

Good luck with your decision, dsprik.

dsprik · 08-24-2005, 03:07 AM

My dad is very "strong willed". My sisters and I have had a very difficult time with him. He insists on keeping my mom at home even though she is totally incapacitated. He has to lift her to move her anywhere. This has been exasperating to the my sisters and I. Every plan we come up with, my dad shoots down. "I don't like strangers in the house". He is still of sound mind. We love our mom and we want to help. However, we feel she definitely should be under professional care at this point, but we respect our dad's wishes. My dad can be overbearing and he is constantly trying to still run the lives of his four kids ~ all in the 40's and 50's now. It's usually "his way or the highway". It is our responsibility to take care of our parents. But our hands are tied at the current time.

I will call a meeting with my sisters and we will come up with "secret" plan that we can implement immediately if need be to take care of both my mom and dad.

I like the World Perks card idea, Patty. I think the medical emergency/bereavement is 50% off with the proof you mentioned above.

Bowie · 08-24-2005, 03:26 AM

Have a great deal of empathy for the situation you describe and would advise you that all the input on this thread is excellent. We were assigned overseas when Bill's Dad died of cancer. We went over with Dad's full understanding (a blessing in itself!) and were fortunate to have completed a home leave only a month before his death. Plan ahead with your siblings, make your own plans for contingencies, be prepared financially, use the bereavement fare if needed (50% when we needed it--no one had thought to have credit cards w/ miles attached to them at that point and we had not yet accumulated the 50,000 frequent flyer miles needed for two international tickets). When you have done all that you can do given the situation--don't look back, second guess yourself or put yourself on a guilt trip. If you have done all that a loving child could do within the limits set by the parent in charge--there is nothing else you can do--except of course remember to pray about it! Best wishes.

CountryGuy · 08-24-2005, 03:44 AM

Bowie!

Great advice, well written!

dsprik · 08-24-2005, 04:03 AM

Thanks, Bill and Pat! Glad I asked for advice. Very helpful!
Dave

dannyl · 08-24-2005, 04:10 AM

Alot of us that are considering full-timing are in the same situation you are in. Being 60ish means our parents are 80ish. My mom passed away a couple of years ago after falling and breaking her hip (also alzheimer's). She had not known us for a couple of months. Dad kept her at home on the family ranch until she died. Dad has suffered from a couple of mini-strokes in the last couple of years so anything, anytime, can happen.
It's great that you have sisters in the area. You would not want your children to put their lives on hold for you so I'm sure your folks feel the same way. Just spend as much time as you can with them and leave them in God's hands.
I'll pray for you and them to have peace in the midst of the storms.
Danny Lovelace

Bill Hill · 08-24-2005, 04:12 AM

What great advice from all of you, and wisdom in your thinking. One of the reasons we're not moving any further away from Los Angeles to Prescott is that it's just a day's drive away pulling the rig. My folks are in their early & mid 80's, and, Thank the Lord, in wonderful shape. Mom still subsitute teaches almost every day because she likes to, and Dad walks 2-4 miles each morning solving "world problems" with his walking buddies. I have a brother who lives in town and is only 5 minutes away, so we're covered. And the folks have told us not to worry, that we get to follow our dreams too. Talk about being blessed . . . .

richfaa · 08-24-2005, 04:43 AM

dsprik. we had the same problem except we had the dominate Mother who would not let go of Dad and his Alzheimer's progressed to where he was a danger to himself and others. Here is how we dealt with that..We took the Medical route. Very simply.Went to a doctor to find out "what was wrong with him" as Mother would not accept Alzheimer's.Doctor said we need to hospitalize him to "run test" she agreed. The test showed he had severe alzheimer's and he was ruled "incompetent" and needed special care..we got him into a Alzheimer's assisted living home..so it was not US who took him away.It was a third party authority. Now the incompetent ruling allowed us to go into court and get legal guardianship of Dad and his assets. That solved all problems as now we could care for both of them without interference from Mom.Of course we let her think she was still in control and that took some doing. My Sisters and I called the whole operation..our evil plot.. Example we kept sending her the monthly checks she always got from the bank and their investment income checks.Execpt they came from me. I direct deposited them into her account.We did what was necessary to care for them.It worked and we have no regrets.

toolmanroy · 08-24-2005, 04:45 AM

This topic is helpful. I have been dealing with my mother now for months. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's a few months ago, though we had been told earlier that is not what she had. She is 82 and in fantastic physical shape, so the mental problems are really difficult for her to accept. She lived with us for most of this year but just recently moved into assisted living facility. She has severe psychosis of hearing a male voice telling her horrible things he is going to do to her. She will tell us she knows it is not real, then call us in fear because he is going to kill her. They had her on 2 antipsychotic medications but after the diagnosis of Alzheimer's they will no longer let her have them. They did not work anyway. Roy and I rarely get to go anywhere but try to get weekends in the Montana when we can. I do have a sister here. Neither one of us would be able to do this alone as we both work full time. We have plans in the next 3-4 years of perhaps getting to go across country for a couple of months and I will keep your suggestions in mind.

thook · 08-24-2005, 10:21 AM

Thanks to all. So many of us in a similar situation. I have a 97 year old mother in an assisted living facility just a mile from our home. She is in reasonably good health but at that age anything can happen. It makes it difficult to be away for any length of time but with numerous grand children in the area she will have all the company she needs during good times. We only plan on being gone for 6 - 8 weeks at a time.

richfaa · 08-24-2005, 11:08 AM

Alzheimer's is just horrible. As I said in a earlier post. It robs you of your dignity then kills you.Not a nice thing to hear..but reality. The worst part is the early stages when they KNOW something is terribly wrong with them.My Dad would cry because he could not remember the names of his own kids and grandkids and he KNEW he should.In later stages they remember nothing, Merci- full for them but horrible for you.You will not be able to care for them and for their own safety must go into a nursing home. I would suggest you get into some Alzheimer's counseling group and learn about Alzheimer's.You really need to understand the phases your loved ones will go through.Remember there is no cure for Alzheimer's..it will kill them..reality. It affects Men and Women somewhat differently..Women will rock a baby doll endlessly.the mother instinct is the last to go.The men will pace endlessly and stare into space. I can not describe the pain you will experience seeing what Alzheimer's will do to your loved one. Although they look like your Mom or Dad there is nothing left of the people you knew.
They seem at Peace if that is any comfort..sorry to be so harsh..but that is the way it is. Been there ..done that...

Virgil · 08-24-2005, 11:54 AM

The World Perks card is very good actually. We had scheduled earlier this year using earned air miles and had to postpone our flight due to the unexpected passing of my mother. I immediately called the World Perks number and explained the situation and I regretfully did not get the lady's name. She was very kind and compassionate during that conversation and was most helpful. I think I would call World Perks and ask them what their policy is on emergency type flights. As stated above, I was impressed with their compassion, and caring attitude. We use the card for all routine bills as well as groceries etc. Miles build up quickly.

toolmanroy · 08-24-2005, 12:17 PM

I work in the medical field and do understand Alzheimer's. My mother is on Namenda and we hope it slows down the progression, but we take one day at a time.

dsprik · 08-24-2005, 12:59 PM

I am a World Perks member, but don't have their credit card. I will look into getting it. This has been an interesting thread. I'm surprised no one has brought it up... but glad we getting advice now.
Dave

Glenn and Lorraine · 08-24-2005, 01:25 PM

To me this is a very morbid subject that we don't really want to think about and seldom discuss but here's this fulltimer's plan...
My parents passed away years ago. Lorraine's parents are still living in Seminole Florida. Her sister and niece live just 2 miles away. During the winter, we spend 6 months in Florida just a few miles from their home. The other 6 months we spend on the road. If something tragic was to happen to either parent Lorraine will be on the first plane out and I will follow with the Monty.

You may also like: