Humor

[Waynem]

Lovemaking tips for seniors

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

(This was sent in large type so you can read it.)

[Waynem]

Spread the Stupidity**

Only in*America*.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
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Only in*America*.....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
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Only in*America*.....do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
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Only in*America*.....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
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Only in*America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.**
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Only in*America*.....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
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EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
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Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
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Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
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Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
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Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
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Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
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Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
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Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
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Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
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Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
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Why do they sterilize the needle forlethal injections?
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You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
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Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
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Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
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If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
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If flying is so safe,**why do they call the airport the terminal?

[Waynem]

IDIOT SIGHTING :

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that
one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the
opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears
made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you
need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said,
"NO, it's not." Four is larger than two.."

We haven't used Sears repair since.


IDIOT SIGHTING

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the
clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She
said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you
can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager
who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the
quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing."
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and
75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.



IDIOT SIGHTING:

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor
call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the
DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by
cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing
anymore."

From Kingman , KS



IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and
ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal
lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From Kansas City



IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an
airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without
your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how
would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.



IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross
the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of
mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it
signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What
on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS




IDIOT SIGHTING:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was
leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully,
"This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We
all just looked at each other with that deer-in- the -headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.




IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back
into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system
would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.




IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership
to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to
the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the
drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively
tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I
announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know. I already got
that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi

[Waynem]

Today's Chuckle



You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need
to fart. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, you approach your stop and you are starting to feel better.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down,
and that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.


MODERN TECHNOLOGY HA HA

[Wifeofdano]

If you look like your passport photo, you're too ill to travel.
-Will Kommen

I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up.
-Dean Martin

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
-Calvin Trillin

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
-Rita Rudner

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TV's for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.
-Wendy Liebman

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes - and six months later you have to start all over again.
-Joan Rivers

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
-Henny Youngman

Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.
-Bob Thaves

He that falls in live with himself will have no rivals.
-Ben Franklin

[Waynem]

The love story of Ralph and Edna...

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.* Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.* One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him.* She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.* When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news.* The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.* I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.* I am so sorry, but he's dead.”

Edna replied, “He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.* How soon can I go home?”


Happy Mental Health Day!*

[rwellesley]

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is.
They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She Came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building Materials for his home. She read . 'and so the pig went up to the man with the Wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that Straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the Man would have said - 'Well, I'll be damned!! A talking pig!'

The teacher had to leave the room.

[Waynem]

The Other side of Ambiguity....

Ambiguity

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY....( as well as the idiosyncrasies of English)

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.....

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.


6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?


7. IF A DEAF PERSON SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED
PLANT?

12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

15. If A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

18. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

19. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

20. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

21. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

22. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

23. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

24. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD "LISP" TO HAVE "S" IN IT?

25. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASTEROIDS"?

26. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

27. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

28. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

[Waynem]

A Husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in
their cart."What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife, and so they
carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman
picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the
price."

On the PA system: "Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have
a husband down."

[Waynem]

Naval History

A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which
was the superior service.

After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima.'

Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.

'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots
were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a
Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'

The sailor responds, 'Point taken.'

The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'

The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.'

The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks
will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... 'The
Navy invented sex!'

The Marine replies, 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced
it to women.'

[Clyde n Deb]

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When
asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful
tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had
been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,
the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife
to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched
with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though
in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off
here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

[Trailer Trash 2]

I liked this one I hope you do.

[Waynem]

Hey! That's my quote!!!!!

[Waynem]

When Grandma Goes To Court

[Waynem]

DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble. I hope you get a chuckle, too.... .

WHY OUR COUNTRY IS IN TROUBLE
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. On an airplane?

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information. Then she interrupted me with, 'I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts ’'
Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, 'Cape Cod' is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa . Her response, "click".

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, because Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'Don't get smart with me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very narrow state!' (Oh, my God!)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, 'Is it possible to see England from Canada ?' I said, 'No.' She then said, 'But they look so close on the map.'

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he only had a one-hour layover in Dallas . I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he replied, 'I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.' (Aghhhh!)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 AM and got to Chicago at 8:33 AM. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went really fast, and she accepted that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, 'Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?' I said, 'No. Why do you ask?' She replied, 'Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude.
After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it --I was laughing--, I came back and explained that the code for the Fresno, CA airport, is "FAT" = Fresno Air Terminal, and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, 'Would it be cheaper to fly to California , and then take the train to Hawaii ?'

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, 'How do I know which plane to get on?' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, 'I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.'

10. A lady Senator called and said, 'I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?' I asked if she meant she was flying to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane. She said, 'Yeah, whatever, smarty!'

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he also needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and I have never had to have one of those.' I double-checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, 'Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!'

12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, 'I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, 'Are you sure that's the name of the town?' 'Yes, what flights do you have?' replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, 'I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere.'
The lady retorted, 'Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!' So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, 'You don't mean Buffalo , do you?' The reply,"Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."

[Waynem]

"Golf Novice"

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-
workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local
pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing
whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said,
"Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down
the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches
from the hole.

"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.

After he was able to speak again the pro finally said,
"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup."

"Oh great! NOW you tell me," said the beginner in a
disgusted tone.

[Wifeofdano]

Guess this isn't really that funny,
but I've already posted it here,.....

A mouse looked through the crack
in the wall to see the farmer and
his wife open a package.

What food might this contain?'
The mouse wondered -
he was devastated to discover it
was a mousetrap.

Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning:
There is a mousetrap in the house!
There is a mousetrap in the house!'

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, 'Mr.Mouse,
I can tell this is a grave concern
to you, but it is of no consequence to me.

I cannot be bothered by it.'
The mouse turned to the pig and told him,
'There is a mousetrap in the house!
There is a mousetrap in the house!'

The pig sympathized, but said, I am
so very sorry, Mr.Mouse, but there
is nothing I can do about it but pray.

Be assured you are in my prayers.'
The mouse turned to
the cow and said
'There is a mousetrap in the house!
There is a mousetrap in the house!'

The cow said, 'Wow, Mr. Mouse.
I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose.'

So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected,
to face the farmer's mousetrap alone.

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- like the
sound of a mousetrap catching its
prey.


The farmer's wife rushed to see
what was caught. In the darkness,
she did not see it was a venomous
snake whose tail the trap had caught.

The snake bit the farmer's wife.
The farmer rushed her to the hospital ,
and she returned home with a fever.

Everyone knows you treat a fever
with fresh chicken soup, so the
farmer took his hatchet to the
farmyard for the soup's main ingredient.

But his wife's sickness continued,
so friends and neighbors came to
sit with her around the
clock.


To feed them, the farmer
butchered the pig.


The farmer's wife did not get well;
she died.

So many people came for her funeral,
the farmer had the cow slaughtered
to provide enough meat for all
of them.
The mouse looked upon it all from
his crack in the wall with great sadness.

So, the next time you hear someone
is facing a problem and think it
doesn't concern you, remember --
when one of us is threatened,
we are all at risk.

We are all involved in this journey
called life. We must keep an eye out
for one another and make an extra
effort to encourage one another.


REMEMBER,,,,

EACH OF US IS A VITAL THREAD
IN ANOTHER PERSON'S TAPESTRY;

OUR LIVES ARE WOVEN TOGETHER FOR A REASON.


One of the best things to hold
onto in this world is a friend

[Waynem]

That's not humor, that's wisdom!

[Wifeofdano]

Ham and eggs...

A day's work for a chicken,
a lifetime commitment for a pig.

[Bill-N-Donna]

Need a good laugh?
Check

this

out.