And the Master of One-Liners...

[Glenn and Lorraine]

George Carlin---

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

Can a stupid person be a smart-a$$?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?

Daylight savings time. Why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in ArcHives?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If you shouldn't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors and lawyers call what they do "practice?"

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

[Ontheroad]

Glen,
I used to be a Forest Ranger. We retire and travel in our Monty to get away from it all.
Steve

[palebluedot]

Glenn,
Although I differ with George Carlin on some of his political/religious views and can do without some of his "colorful" words, he is without a doubt a genius of the English language. His earlier works are some of the most hilarious stuff I've ever heard. The following appeared on the internet after 911 and the recent death of his wife. It was credited to him, but some claim he did not write it. Still, it's food for thought.

The Paradox of Our Time in History

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints; we spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too seldom, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor. We've conquered outer space, but not inner space; we've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul; we've split the atom, but not our prejudice.

We write more, but learn less; we plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait; we have higher incomes, but lower morals; we have more food, but less appeasement; we build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies than ever, but have less communication; we've become long on quantity, but short on quality.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men, and short character; steep profits, and shallow relationships. These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure, but less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition.

These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw away morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer to quiet to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom; a time when technology has brought this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to make a difference, or to just hit "Skip Ahead"...


And my favorite Carlin one liner:
"The weather forecast for tonight - dark."

[Parrothead]

Palebluedot
I agree with you about Carlin. His earlier works are funnier. I've read this before and I can't believe Carlin wrote it. Mainly because of the "pray less" comment. He does make you think though.
Happy trails....................

[powerstroke73]

I was wondering how come it take a cigerette butt to start a forset fire but it takes a gallon of gas and a box of matches to start a camp fire??

[Glenn and Lorraine]

quote:Originally posted by powerstroke73

I was wondering how come it take a cigerette butt to start a forset fire but it takes a gallon of gas and a box of matches to start a camp fire??

powerstroke73, I refer you to the following link....

Building a Campfire