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Old 07-25-2007, 05:28 PM   #1
Longwell
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Grove City
Posts: 1,357
M.O.C. #5192
The True Description of Tools

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane part you were drying.


WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."


ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearings out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS:
Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4:
Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS:
A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE:
Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER:
Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog **** off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT:
The home mechanic’s own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR:
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50˘ part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

DAMMIT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.

EXPLETIVE:
A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.

Larry
 
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Old 07-26-2007, 01:06 AM   #2
Ozz
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: K.C.
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M.O.C. #5980
Excellent! and true.....
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Old 07-26-2007, 02:18 AM   #3
SAndreasen
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Milford
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M.O.C. #1918
Oh, how I can relate to all of these! VERY FUNNY
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Old 07-26-2007, 02:40 AM   #4
bncinwv
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Winfield
Posts: 7,327
M.O.C. #6846
Larry,
You need to add one more:

ASSISTANT: An interested second party (usually DW) overlooking your work with excessive amounts of criticism, sarcasm, and general disbelief that you have any idea of what you are doing. Unbeknownst to the assistant, (keep this top secret for all of our sakes), they are usually right about 50% of the time. Beware of the everpresent words that are always forth-coming during some portion of the project (I told you that wouldn't work, if you would have just listened to me at the beginning.........)

Bingo
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Bingo and Cathy - Our adventures begin in the hills of WV. We are blessed by our 2014 3850FL Big Sky (previous 2011 3750FL and 2007 3400RL) that we pull with a 2007 Chevy Silverado Classic DRW CC dually.
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Old 07-26-2007, 07:43 PM   #5
clutch
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Location: St.Maries
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That pretty much describes my tool box.
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Old 07-27-2007, 02:48 AM   #6
Dustytuu
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Posts: 2,232
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I was laughing so hard I was almost rolling on the floor!
This is so funny! And true!
Reminds me when I am watching Don fix or build something. Also I am surprised when I see he knows what he is doing!
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