I maybe NUTS..

[Glenn and Lorraine]

This guy is pulling his 5er down the road when he gets a flat on his TV.....he pulls the rig over to the curb in front of a mental institution.....as he is changing the tire on his TV it starts to pour...he had just put the spare on when he kicks over the hub cap full of lug nuts...they are quickly washed into the storm sewer.... now the guy starts cussi'n... "Here I am..in the rain and no lug nuts...and can't get to the cg"....all of a sudden he here's a voice...as he turns around he sees a guy from the funny farm at the fence....the guy says...."Why don't you just take 2 lug nuts off the other 3 wheels..put them on the spare.. and that will get you going?"....the guy did and said "Thanks!"...by the way,...your pretty sharp...why are you in there?....
The guy said.."Well , I maybe NUTS BUT I ain't STUPID.

[palebluedot]

Two redneck farmers put their mule in the barn every evening after a long day of plowing the field. The mule's ears were so long they scraped the top of the barn door and kept them all banged up. To solve the problem the first farmer got a chain saw and was about to cut a large half moon out of the top of the door. The second farmer suggested to keep from ruining the barn door, that they instead get a shovel and dig a trench in the dirt beneath the door. That way the mule could walk in the trench and not bang his blooded ears. The first farmer looks at the second farmer and says "Thats got to be the most stupid thing I've ever heard. It's his EARS thats too long, not his LEGS !!

[vickir]

A couple in their nineties is having problems remembering things,
so they decide to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells
them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start
writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from
his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen," he replies.
She asks, " Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
The husband says, "Sure."
She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it
down so you can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can remember that!"
She then says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top.
You'd better write it down 'cause I know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream
with strawberries."
She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream. Now I'm certain
you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down."
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down! I can
remember that! Ice cream with strawberries! And whipped cream!"
He then grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen
and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says,
"Where's my toast?"

[Northstar]

I can always enjoy this kind of humor. Keep us posted. Happyrving....

[Montana_31]

Divorce American Style

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining room table by candlelight, put on
some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of
caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed
half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in
caviar, into the hollow of the all of the curtain rods. She then
cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the ex-husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for
the first few days. Then slowly, the
house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and
airing the place out. Vents were checked
for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were
hung everywhere. Exterminators
were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move
out for a few days, and in the end
they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to
visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had
cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky
house. Word got out, and eventually, even
the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
purchase a new place. The ex-wife called
the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the
rotting house. She listened politely,
and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to
reduce her divorce settlement in
exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on
price that was about 1/10th of what the
house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very
day. She agreed, and within the hour
his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched
the moving company pack everything to
take to their new home, including the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU????

[Montana_621]

LOL LOL!!! I posted this one under a different joke heading on here and I still die laughing when I read it, gotta love it!

quote:Originally posted by Bob & Donna

Divorce American Style

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining room table by candlelight, put on
some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of
caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed
half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in
caviar, into the hollow of the all of the curtain rods. She then
cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the ex-husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for
the first few days. Then slowly, the
house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and
airing the place out. Vents were checked
for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were
hung everywhere. Exterminators
were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move
out for a few days, and in the end
they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to
visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had
cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky
house. Word got out, and eventually, even
the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
purchase a new place. The ex-wife called
the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the
rotting house. She listened politely,
and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to
reduce her divorce settlement in
exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on
price that was about 1/10th of what the
house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very
day. She agreed, and within the hour
his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched
the moving company pack everything to
take to their new home, including the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU????

[Montana_621]

Nobody Believes Old People....

Everyone thinks old people are senile. An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their sixtieth wedding anniversary.

They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved, "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't
know what to do with it, so they take it home.

There, she counts the money and it's fifty thousand dollars.

The husband says. "We've got to give it back."

She says, "Finders keepers," and she puts the money back into the bag and hides it up in their attic.

The next day, the FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood
looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

She says, "No."

The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."

The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "We're outta here".

[vickir]

1. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

2. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?

3. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their
vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put
it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

4. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you
first try?

5. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

6. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your
clothes would they eventually just disappear?

7. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling
off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

8. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash
pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

9. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer
when we complained about the heat?

10. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your
wife told you to do it?

[Glenn and Lorraine]

Those are great with the exception of #10.
I just know it will work my way even if my way ultmately becomes the way Lorraine suggested some 8 hours ago.

Confused with that explanation?
Lorraine usually is too.

Works for me!!

[DHenry]

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. "Magic Beer," he says. She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?" "Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window. The lady can't believe it. "I bet you can't do that again." He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window. She is so amazed
that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having." She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies. The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real dork when you're drunk."

[vickir]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver
won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring.
He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want
to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as
old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance
to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing
you could say or ask that I would find offensive"!
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1,you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single;
and I'm Catholic too!"
"OK" the Nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
He does and the Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me Sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's, OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to
a Halloween party."
> > >

[Montana_621]

*GASP* LOL LOL That was too funny.

quote:Originally posted by vickir


A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver
won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring.
He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want
to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as
old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance
to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing
you could say or ask that I would find offensive"!
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1,you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single;
and I'm Catholic too!"
"OK" the Nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
He does and the Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me Sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's, OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to
a Halloween party."
> > >

[Glenn and Lorraine]

A couple of young guys were fishing at their special pond off the
beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the game warden!
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started
running through the woods like a bat out of hell and hot on his
heels came the game warden. After about a half mile, the guy
stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to
catch his breath and the game warden finally caught up to him.
"Let's see yer fishin license, boy!" the warden gasped.
With that, the guy pulled out his wallet and gave the
game warden a valid fishing license.
"Well, son," said the Game Warden. "You must be about as
dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run
from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes sir," replied the young angler. "But my friend back there,
well, he don't have one..."

[sreigle]

[Montana_621]

A good one.....

The new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. He took out a card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on back and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned.

Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!

[vickir]

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was
probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known.
Enjoy the following quotes----

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and
put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men:
The ones that learn by reading.
The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that
comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back
every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n
puttin' it back.
12. AND FINALLY: After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion
felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a
hunter came along and shot him... The moral: When you're
full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

[Glenn and Lorraine]

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.
"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled to the boy. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us and have dinner. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."
"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Awe, come on," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa ain't gonna like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is gonna to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbour said with a smile. "By the way, where is your pa?"
"Under the wagon."

[Glenn and Lorraine]

"A DYNAMITE FISHERMAN"
The Game Warden always wanted to go fishin' with Old John because Old John always caught fish. No matter what the conditions Old John always caught fish. Rain, snow or shine Old John always came back with fish.
Well, one day he finally he got his chance, when Old John invited him to go along. It wasn't long til they got to Old John's favorite spot and he anchored the boat. Old John reaches down into his tackle box and pulls out a stick of dynamite...lit it and throws it in the lake.
KA-BOOM
and there's fish floating all over the place. "Whoa" said the Game Warden "that's illegal". Well, Old John just reaches in and pulls out another stick. He lights it and throws it in the lake.
KA-BOOM,
more fish. The Warden says, "John, I am going to have to arrest you if you do that again". Well, Old John just reaches in the tackle box and again pulls out another stick. He lights it and tosses it to the Warden and said "Now, you gonna talk all day or fish?"

[Montana_621]

It seems as of late my jokes are all religous based and I'm sorry about that if you are offened. They seem to be the most "clean" of what I have to post here. LOL

Donkey...

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way (being the donkey of a preacher).

The only way to make the donkey go, is to say, "Hallelujah!"

The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!"

The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.

"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!"
shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.

"This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah" he rode off, very proud of his new purchase.

The man traveled for a long time through the mountains. As he headed towards a cliff, he tried to remember the word to make the donkey stop.

"Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going.

"Oh, no..."

"Bible...Church!...Please! Stop!!," shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff.

Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer..."Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."

The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.

"HALLELUJAH!" shouted the man.

[Glenn and Lorraine]

Save the dead rabbit

A man was pulling his Montana down the highway when he saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved his rig to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the TV and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled the 5er over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.

A woman also dragging her Montana down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her TV and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her 5er and from the basement pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, he hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet and again turned and waved. This behavior continued until the rabbit was out of sight. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in that spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:

'Hare Spray'
Restores Life to Dead Hare.
Adds Permanent Wave.