Humor

[Waynem]

An elderly man in had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back,
fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts,
and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed
up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go
down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was
a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women
aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield
themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're
not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I
didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out
of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the
alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move
slow but can still think fast.

[Bradln]

Handy Hints for Campers . . .

*Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.

*When smoking a fish, never inhale.

*Steer clear of parks named for landfills.

*While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.

*Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.

*Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.

*You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.

[Bradln]

THE REAL RULES OF GOLF:

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to continue watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.

If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.

Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.

It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

It's not a gimme if you're still away.

[ARJ]

Here is a link to some really funny stuff!!!



http://www.gobobpipe.com/funniesFollies.html

[ole dude]

Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Texas .

If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Texas ;

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Texas ;

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Texas ;

If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in Texas;

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas;

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Texas ;

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Texas ;

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife k nows how to use them, you may live in Texas ;

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody's passing you, you may live in Texas ;

If you find 60 degrees "a little chilly," you may live in Texas ;

If you actually understand these jokes, and share them with all your Texas friends, you definitely live in Texas



Here are some little known, very interesting facts about Texas

1.. Beaumont to El Paso : 742 miles
2.. Beaumont to Chicago : 770 miles
3.. El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas
4.. World's first rodeo was in Pecos , July 4, 1883.
5.. The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built over water.
6.. The Heisman Trophy ws named after John William Heisman who was the first full-time coach at Rice University in Housto n .
7.. Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North America .
8.. Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America 's only remaining flock of whooping cranes.
9.. Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978.
10.. The worst natural disaster in U.S . history was in 1900, caused by a hurricane, in which over 8,000 lives were lost on Galveston Island
11. The first word spoken from the moon, July 20, 1969, was " Houston "
12.. King Ranch in South Texas is larger than Rhode Island
13.. Tropical Storm Claudette brought a U.S. rainfall record of 43" in 24 hours in and around Alvin in July of 1979.
14.. Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY, (known as the Constitution of 1845 by the Republic of Texas to enter the Union ) instead of by annexation. This allows the Texas Flag to fly at the same height as the U.S. Flag, and m ay divide into 5 states.
15. A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1500 years old.
16.. Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state.
17.. Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There ! is no pe riod in Dr Pepper.
18.. Texas has had six capital cities: Washington-on-the Brazos, Harrisburg , Galveston , Velasco, West Columbia and Austin
19.. The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S. which is taller than the Capitol Building in Washington DC (by 7 feet).
20.. The name " Texas " comes from the Hasini Indian word "tejas" meaning friends. Tejas is not Spanish for Texas
21.. The State Mascot is the Armadillo (an interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo is they always have four babies. They have one egg, which splits into four, and they either have four males or four females.).
22.. The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston

Cowboy's Ten Commandments posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie , Texas :
(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
(3) No telling tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
(7) No killin'.
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff
Now that's kinda plain an' simple don't ya think?

[Waynem]

Fun Story.

Demonic Squirrel

[Waynem]

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that said course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going to mess yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, " Oh my God!", then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem."

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they're going to have to repaint the store..

[Waynem]

Not for DW to watch! This is to inspirational for men.

McDonalds Greatest Ad

.

[Trailer Trash 2]

An Italian tring to get a raise and doing math without using numbers.
But the forman didnt want to give him the position, so he tried this as a way of the Italian geting the question wrong.

"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Withouta numbers?" the Italian says, "Datsa easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you gota no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine," says the Italian.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number
is 99."

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up
the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree .



"Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth
do you get that to represent 99?"

"Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree,
and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question.

Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base
of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"


The Italian leans forward and points to the marks
at the base of each tree and says,

"A little doga come along and ****a by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd,dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred.



So, whenna I start?




Did he get the job?

[Waynem]

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per
hour. The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.

"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases
her speed to 65 mph.

The husband speaks again "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He
says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a
far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and
slowly increases the speed to 75.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..
Up to 80.

"I want the car, too," he continues. 85 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the
boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes
him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got
everything I need," she says.


"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, The wife turns to him and
smiles.

"The airbag."

Moral of the Story :


Women are crazy!!!!
Don't mess with them

[Son of JVP]

Here's an entertaining video clip, don't let the title of it mislead you: http://www.goyk.com/video.asp?path=845

[Son of JVP]

Got a short attention span? Check out http://www.angryalien.com/ You'll be able to watch complete movies in 30 seconds, all acted out by animated bunny rabbits! Funny stuff!!!

[Waynem]

Remember that this is the HUMOR thread
========================
Here is one of the better ideas. Let's all get behind this one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There are less than eight months until the election. An election that will decide the next President of the United States. The person elected will be the president of all Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans. To show our solidarity as Americans, let's all get together and show each other our support for the candidate of our choice.
It's time that we all came together, Democrats and Republicans alike.
If you support the policies and character of John McCain, please drive with your headlights on during the day.
If you support Obama or Hillary, please drive with your headlights off at night.
=========================

This is funny, I don't care who your are. You can switch the last two lines around and it's still funny.

[Waynem]

Country Funeral Story

As a young minister in Kentucky , I was asked by a funeral director to
hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, who had no family or
friends. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the
country, and this man would be the first to be buried there.

I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became lost.

Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions. I finally
arrived an hour late.

I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in
sight. The digging crew was eating lunch. I apologized to the workers
for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave. There I
saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not
hold them up for l ong, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as I began to
pour out my heart and soul. As I preached about "looking forward to a
brighter tomorrow" and "the glory that is to come," the workers began to
say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory!" The fervor of these men
truly inspired me. So, I preached and I preached like I had never
preached before, all the way from Genesis to Revelations.

I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and
walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I
heard one of the workers say to another, "I ain't NEVER seen nothin'
like that before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!"

[slewis]

Sitting here all by myself laughing out loud at those, Wayne.
Too funny. Thanks for adding to my very hectic day...laughing.
Sandy

[Waynem]

You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South. Some of you will enjoy this more than others...

Southerners can be soooo polite!

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on Runway 9R

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge. Cleared to land on Infidel's Runway 9R - Allah be praised."

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 -- You are cleared to land westbound on Runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's Runway 9R. - Allah is great."

Pause...

Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC!!!"

Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!! WE ARE BOTH ON A COLLISION COURSE!!! INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."

Atlanta ATC: "Well, bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah ‘Hey!’ for us."

[ARJ]

STUD ROOSTER

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'

The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'

The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'

The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'

The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
Third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Moral of this story? ....

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!

[Exnavydiver]

Waynem, I don't care who ya are, that was funny!!!

[Bill-N-Donna]

I heard this a long time ago. I did some paraphrasing in my own words. Similarities between the names and real people in this story are purely coincidental!

************************************************** ***
Jim and Martha grew up together in a rural community as children. As they grew they went to school, church, nearly everything they did they did together. Well it was more than fate that finally brought them together in marriage. They were in love and decided to get married. Still living in the same rural area in their adult life they raised their children, celebrated birthdays, their 25th anniversary, etc…

One day they looked at each other and realized they had been married for almost 50 years! Jim looked at Martha and Martha looked at Jim and they decided to do something very special for their 50th wedding anniversary. The “Worlds Fair” had come to their area and it was just a few miles from where they lived so they decided they were going to go and have a good time.

Jim and Martha have always had to live on a tight budget, so when they arrived they didn’t spend anything other than the cost of getting in, parking, etc… They were walking through the mid-way when Jim noticed a sign that read Airplane Rides $10.00. He looked at Martha and said “let’s take an airplane ride.” Martha looked at him with squinting eyes and hitting him in the ribs with her elbow and said, “NO! $10.00 is $10.00.”

Well they kept on walking around and they seen the airplane take off. Jim looked at Martha and said “I sure would like to take an airplane ride.” Martha looked back at him with her loving eyes, hitting him again with her elbow and said “$10.00 is $10.00.”

After a while they started getting hungry so they got in line at a concession stand to order some food when an airplane flew over and landed. Jim looked at Martha and said “boy I sure would like to take an airplane ride.” Martha looked back at him and said “$10.00 is $10.00 while she elbowed him in the ribs again. Jim just said “ok Martha.”

While they were standing there a younger gentleman approached them from behind. He explained to them he was one of the pilots and he couldn’t help but over hear them talking. He told them he was very tired of people screaming when he took them up that just to get a peaceful flight he would take them up for free if they agreed to not say a word or scream, etc… Jim perked up just a bit and looked at Martha and said “well, what do you think?” Martha looked back at Jim and said “$10.00 is $10.00.”

Now Jim was getting his ride and Martha was happy too because it wasn’t costing them anything. They climbed on the plane and the plane took off. They were enjoying the wonderful scenery and the pilot started regretting the deal he had made them. He thought about how much it was costing him for this free ride so the pilot started a little stunt flying just to get them to scream or make some kind of noise, something so that it wouldn’t be free. He took the plane into a dive and pulled back on the wheel. Up and down and up and down. He allowed the plane to almost come to a stall once or twice. He even rolled it over into loops hoping that he would get a scream or two out of them. The only thing he heard was a little bit of noise but it wasn’t what he wanted to hear. He rolled the plane back the other direction then decided he would just land.

After they got out the pilot was talking to Jim and said I can’t charge you anything because of our deal. Jim looked at the pilot and said “Well, I started to say something when Martha fell out but $10.00 is $10.00.”

[Waynem]

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde
came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other
and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied,
"You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it
and need a new one." She replied that she did not know exactly what it
was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a
piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked
like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then
took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked, "Is there
a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right
there."

If you're not sure what a 710 is click here:
http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg