To all the wonderful people in my life!
As we approach the beginning of another year I want to thank all of
you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally
screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or
have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying
about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what
the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie
channels.
I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving
because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking
one’s nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the
years.
I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on
the floor of a public bathroom.
I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about
rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet
sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that BILL GATES/MICROSOFT and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and ST. THERESA’S NOVENA has granted my every wish.
I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub
full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get
answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a
wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so
a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling
up.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put ‘UNDER GOD’ on their
cans.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes 7
different types of cancer.
THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a
big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant
death when it bites my butt.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up a penny
dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a
sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies
supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South
American dictators.
I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten
by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the
next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head
at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will
infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will
occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door
neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best
friend’s beautician.
PS: I NOW KEEP MY TOOTHBRUSH IN THE LIVING ROOM, BECAUSE I WAS TOLD
BY AN E-MAIL THAT WATER SPLASHES OVER 6 FT. OUT OF THE TOILET.
THANK YOU, ONE AND ALL!
HAVE A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS
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