How about some 'puter jokes?????

[Glenn and Lorraine]

Not so long ago...
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
An Apple was a fruit
A cookie was a snack
A driver was the person driving the vehicle
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
Compress was something you did to garbage not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public, you'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
A mouse was a rodent
A mouse pad was where the mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a knife or scissors
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash but when it happens they often wish they were dead!


Got More???

[Emmel]

How about when a nut was what a squirrel ate and a geek was aperson everyone made fun of, now they are in demand and make the big bucks.

[palebluedot]

Patch - used on seat of worn pants
RAM - Dodge tow vehicle
Intel - collected by military
Buffer - used for floor maintenance
Java - strong coffee
Browser - wife at dress shop
Mac - what you call a guy whose real name is unknown
File - used by wife on nails
Down Load - drinking beer
Input Devise - longneck bottle for above
Window - raised when AC is broken
Surfing - Hawaiian sport
WAV - used for surfing

[prariepoodle]

The lady was using a power strip to plug her computer and other devices into. Windows was completely frozen, and she was unable to shut down the machine by using the power button. She mentioned the power strip, so I told her to flip it off. She said, "Ok, I gave it the finger. I feel better."

[BigBlue]

Computer Department Maintenance and Troubleshooting Guidelines

1. Approach the problem machine in a confident manner. Let it think you don't care if it works or not. Like dogs, computers can smell fear.

2. Always act as though you know what to do. Never let the machine know you're baffled or it will only try harder.

3. Always be ready for a machine to start working of its own accord. Do something as soon as you reach the machine and always have a hand touching some part of it.This is because you want to be able to say something like, "There! I thought that would work!" if it suddenly starts working.

4. Wave the reference manual at the machine. If you don't have one, use any technical manual you have available. This has the effect of invoking spirits friendly to your cause and may convince the machine to give up without a struggle.

5. Continuing the black magic, chant Ohm's law ("Vee-is-Eye-Arr") to the machine. It may add to your arsenal if you learn to say it backkwards - it can't hurt.

6. Try percussive maintenance. This involves gently lifting the uncooperative device about 100mm above the desk as though looking for something underneath. You then suddenly drop the beast. This often completely fixes the fault. Scientists are divided over whether the shock knocks something back into place or just frightens the machine. Whichever, remember to say something suitable about "needing to know just the right way to do that!".

7. If the item is relatively untraceable (such as a printer that other departments also have) do one of the following:
* Arrange to borrow a working machine from the other department for operational comparison, and during the test, swap yours for theirs. Pretend that yours is still broken for a day or so until they get theirs fixed, or if in a hurry, put a blown fuse in your broken machine before you give it to them so that they don't realize it has an identical fault.

* Get in early in the morning and simply swap your broken machine with a working model in a different department. If there's a danger that serial numbers are kept somewhere, make sure that you've swapped all of your machines long before they break. That way when you swap them back after yours breaks, you now have the one you should have and no one can point the finger.

8. If all else fails, try bribing the machine with:
* a good cleaning
* a new ribbon
* a hard disk cleanup
* sex with another machine
* an extra 10 volts of main voltage

9. If none of the above works, consider taking out a contract on the machine. $100 slipped to the office cleaner will usually arrange a suitable 'accident' such as falling down the stairs or into the fish tank in the reception area.

[BigBlue]

A guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.

Tech: "What's the problems?"
User: "There is smoke coming out of the power supply."
Tech: "You'll need a new power supply."
User: "No I don't! I just need to change the startup files."
Tech: "Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it."
User: "No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command."

10 minutes later.

The user is still adamant that he is right. The Tech is frustrated and fed up.

Tech: "Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem."
User: "I knew it!"
Tech: "Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes."

10 minutes later.

User: "It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking."
Tech: "Well, what version of DOS are you using?"
User: "MS-DOS 6.22."
Tech: "That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes."

1 hour later.

User: "I need a new power supply."
Tech: "How did you come to that conclusion?"
User: "Well, I rang Microsoft and told him all about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply."
Tech: "Then what did he say?"
User: "He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE."

BigBlue

[BigBlue]

Telepathy

Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"

Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

BigBlue

[BigBlue]

I should probably quit. It's amazing what comes up when you google computerr humor.

BibBlue

[Glenn and Lorraine]

Computer Age*
What boots up must come down.
*Fax is stranger than fiction.
*Don't byte off more than you can view.
*The geek shall inherit the earth.
*The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
*Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.