Humor

[Bradln]

TOP 10 WAYS TO INTIMIDATE YOUR DAUGHTER'S DATE WHEN HE COMES TO PICK HER UP...

1. Sprinkle some dust on your daughter before she leaves. Explain, "It makes fingerprinting easier."

2. Challenge him at arm wrestling.

3. Introduce him to your good friend 'the Rock'.

4. Walk on stilts.

5. Casually show him your collection of six shrunken heads, then yell up to your daughter, "Number seven is here."

6. Come to the door bare-chested. Do a lot of flexing.

7. Introduce him to the family by calling each family member to the living room using a whistle, then making them stand at attention and salute.

8. Answer the door in a straight jacket.

9. As they leave, talk into a walkie-talkie, "Subject is wearing jeans and a blue polo shirt, driving a green Ford."

10. Say, "Let's pray."

[Waynem]

I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the heck out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading

[Waynem]

Recently, the Administration said each one of us would get $300. It was
supposed to be $800 but they dropped it to a $300 tax rebate...There are
other amounts depending on individual circumstances.....HOWEVER

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China. If we
spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs, and neither will help the
American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America, so the only way I can see to keep that money here at home is to buy beer, spend it on prostitution, or play golf since those are the only American businesses still in the U.S.!

Your cooperation will be appreciated.

[Waynem]

Tools Defined for the REAL man..........

1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, 'SH**!!!'

3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age

4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.

5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

6. VICE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shed on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 14mm or 12mm socket you've been searching for.

9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a vehicle to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper bar.

10. 100x50 HARDWOOD WALL STUD : Used to attempt to lever a vehicle off a hydraulic jack handle.

11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially hardwood.

12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog faeces from your boots.

14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.

16. CRAFTSMAN 12mm x 500mm SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on one end.

17 AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,' which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.

20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to an pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 70 years ago by someone at Ford, and rounds them off.

21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 10mm too short.

23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is now used as a divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object you are trying to hit.

24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, plastic parts and the hand not holding the knife

[Waynem]

What Old People Do for Fun!

[Waynem]

Ordering a pizza in 2010!

This is supposed to be funny, but the scary part is it's
probably not too far away.

Wanna know how to order a pizza in 2010? Click the
link and see... turn up the volume.

Listen closely and watch the screen and pointer carefully.

Ordering Pizze in 2010

[Son of JVP]

A man and his wife went scuba diving together, but after about a half an hour, she couldn't find him. She looked and looked, but to no avail. Finally a search team was called, but after many hours, they found nothing. The woman went home, and a few hours later, two policemen arrived at her door. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, ma'am, but we have some information about your husband." "Well, tell me!" the woman said. The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, she said, "Give me the bad news first." The policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you ma'am, but this morning we found your husband's body in San Francisco Bay." "Oh my God!" she sobbed, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, she asked, "What's the good news?" "Well," said the policeman, "when we pulled him up he had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on him." "If that's the good news than what's the great news?" she demanded. The policeman said, "We're going to pull him up again tomorrow morning!"

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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time; weightlifters, longshoremen, etc., but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said "OK", grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "How on Earth...? Where did you learn how to do that?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

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Johnny Cochran was duck hunting in Texas recently, when he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer suddenly pulled up in his pickup truck, jumped out, and asked Mr. Cochran what he was doing on his property. "Retrieving this duck I just shot", he replied. "That duck is on my side of the fence, so now it's mine," replied the farmer. Mr. Cochran asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to. "No," replied the farmer, "I don't know, and I don't care."
"I am Johnny Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles", came the reply. "I am the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. I'm the reason he is a free man today. And if you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for your farm, your truck, and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless on the street."
"Well," said the farmer, "In Texas the only law we go by is the 'Three Kicks' law." "Never heard of it", said Johnny. The farmer said, "I get to kick you three times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to kick me back three times, that duck is yours." Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer. "Fair enough", he said. So the farmer kicked Johnny violently in the groin. As he was doubling over, the farmer kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs.
After several moments, Johnny slowly made it back to his feet. "All right, now it's my turn", said Johnny. "Aw, forget it", said the farmer. "You can have the duck."

-------------

A young man strode into a drugstore to buy condoms. Seeking an opinion about quality and such things, he asked the pharmacist on duty there. The pharmacist then told the young man about the selection, saying, "The condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12; which would you like?" "Well," he boasted in an overly confident manner, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. She's invited me to meet her parents at dinner, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man made his purchase and left the store, all puffed up and proud. Later that evening, he sat down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He politely asked if he might give the blessing, and they agreed. He began the prayer, but continued praying silently for several minutes. The girl leaned over and said, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leaned over to her and replied, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

---------------

Team Work

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

[Son of JVP]

You Wisconsinites will like this one:

John Elway, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Broncos flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity, John," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here." John felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a Green and Gold sidewalk, 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Green Bay Packers logo flag, and in every window, a Cheesehead.
John looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I won 2 Super Bowls, and I even went to the hall of fame."
God said, "So what do you want to know, John?"
"Well, why does Brett Favre get a better house than me?"
God chuckled, and said, "John, that's not Brett Favre's house, that's MY house."

[Son of JVP]

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues: "Hello?" "Honey, It's me. Are you at the club?" "Yes." "Great! I’m at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" "What's the price?" "Only $1,500.00" "Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..." "Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..." "What price did he quote you?" "Only $60,000..." "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." "Great!, before we hang up, something else..." "What?" "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..." "How much are they asking?" "Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..." "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?" "OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!" "Bye... I do too..." The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"


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An Irishman went to London for a visit to the zoo. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at person and tell that person's age. The Irishman was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms.
The man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times. "Is that right?" he asked the boy. "Oh yes." the boy said. The Irishman was very loud, in his not believing that this was true.
The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct. The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man.
Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Irishman took him up on the wager. The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut wind like you wouldn't believe, turned back around and stomped his foot twice. Whereupon the Irishman stumbled back and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried, "BeGabbers, he's right! Farty-two!"


-----------------------

On a recent visit with the Queen of England, President Bush and the queen were enjoying a leisurely cruise in the Royal Coach. At one point, the right rear horse produced a thunderous, cataclysmic amount of intestinal gas that reverberated through the air and rattled the doors of the coach.

Presidents and Queens are, first and foremost, human beings. Their first reaction was to focus their attentions outside their respective windows and behave as if nothing extraordinary had happened. The Queen, steeped in decades of experience living with the mundane and bizarre together, was the first to realize that ignoring what had happened was ridiculous.

"Mr. Bush," she said casually, "please do accept my regrets. I'm sure that even you understand that there are certain things that even a queen has no control over."

The president grinned. After all, he had been raised in Texas, and reacted with his best tact. "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. Why, in fact, if you hadn't mentioned it, I would have thought it was one of the horses."

----------------------

Classics from the Original Hollywood Squares TV Show---when game show responses were spontaneous and not scripted, unlike now.

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaii, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more ‘growing older’ question, Peter...and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Q: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
A: Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!

Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean?
A: George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.

Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
A: Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question.

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Q: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?
A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

[Son of JVP]

I was on Highway 20 out of Montreal driving toward Quebec City and I decided to stop at a rest stop to use the men's room.

The first stall was occupied so I went in the second. I am barely sitting down when I hear a voice from the other stall saying, "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation or fraternize in men's rooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answer, somewhat embarrassedly: "Not bad!"

And the other guy says: "So what's up with you?"

What a question? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre, so I say: "I'm like you, just traveling east!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously..."LISTEN!!! I'll have to call you back, there's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions, bye!"

---------------

A man was driving through Montana one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and sputter, and the engine slowly died away leaving him sitting by the road in total silence. He popped the hood and went to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent.

As he peered by the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised. Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump." The man jumped up quickly striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded.

There were two horses standing in the field alongside the road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."

Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared into life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.

When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Large whiskey, please!" he said.

A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!"

"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher. The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say. Was it by any chance a white horse?"
The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes it was! Am I crazy?"
"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "Because the brown horse don't know nothin' about cars.

--------------------------

In a 4th grade class full of kids, the teacher said to the students, "If any of you kids can answer this question, you can have Monday off from school. You need to identify the person who said this quote and tell me what year he said it. Whoever gets it right gets Monday off." So, the teacher said, "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country." All of the children sat there without saying a word until little Takashi the Japanese exchange student in the back row raised his hand and said, "Teacher, that was President John F. Kennedy in 1961". The teacher said, "Very good Takashi. I will see you on Tuesday." Then the teacher turned to the rest of the class and said, "Aren't you ashamed of yourselves? Takashi has only been in this country two years, and he knew who said that famous quote. The teacher then turned his back to the class and heard someone say "F--- the Japanese!" He turned around and said, "Who said that!?"
Little Johnny raised his hand from the front row and said, "Lee Iacocca, 1980. See you on Tuesday."

[Son of JVP]

WARNING: These are from the "Men vs. Women" file:

A man is driving down a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving up the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!"
The man immediately leans out of his window and shouts, "BITCH!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
If only men would listen.

--------------------------------------------

Once again, miscommunication between women and men...

A man staggered into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. “Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.” "What did you do?", asked the doctor. The man replied, "I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

--------------------------

MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET NO. 36-24-36
Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: accepted as 53.6 kgs, but may vary from 40-200 kgs
Occurrence: copious quantities in all urban areas
Physical properties:
1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points.

Chemical properties:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

Common Uses:
1. Prized examples are highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.

Tests:
1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when discovered in natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Potential Hazards:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.

WARNING: PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO THIS ELEMENT CAN CAUSE SEVERE PHYSICAL, MENTAL, AND FINANCIAL DAMAGE.

-------------------------------


It's 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The dealers agree.

She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless." With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Come on, baby! Momma needs a new pair of pants!" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!"

With that, she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"

The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!"

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A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "I've heard of those in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a long sigh, the dad replies, "Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for..."

[Son of JVP]

Three guys were drinking in a pub. Two of them were talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remained quiet. After a while, one of the first two turned to the third and said, “Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?” The third fellow said, “I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.” The first two guys were amazed. “Wow! What happened then?” one asked. The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed, and uttered, “She said, ‘Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!’”

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A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops in a brothel outside Las Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, “I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!”
The Madam is astonished. “But, sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal.”
The trucker replies, “Listen sweetheart, I ain’t horny, I’m homesick!”

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A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."

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A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for social security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later". The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his social security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. At which point she said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have gotten disability too."


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Why men are not secretaries:

A husband leaves note on refrigerator to his wife:
"Someone from the Guyna Colleges called. They said your Pabst beer is normal."

-----------------

One Saturday morning, a man gets up early, dresses quietly, packs his lunch, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes.

Coming out of his garage, rain is pouring down in a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He goes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible.” To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?"

[Son of JVP]

(probably pure fiction, but funny anyway)

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at Southern Methodist University, English 44A, Creative Writing, Prof. Miller.

In-class Assignment for Wednesday:
"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

“The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted."

==============================
STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. He had left her, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
======
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
======
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for breaking the heart of the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. He thought about her soft cascading locks of hair and her deep blue eyes. He thought of how she loved to watch the rain fall outside while curling up in front of the fire with her cup of tea. He thought of how happy they both would have been if they had married and bought a house. “What a fool I’ve been,” he thought. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. She sighed wistfully while glancing at the rain upon the window panes. It was a soft, gentle rain, the kind of rain that brings life to flowers and plants. Suddenly she remembered the bulbs she had planted recently, and she smiled when she realized that soon the garden would burst forth in a lovely display of color in the coming days of spring.
======
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Interplanetary Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty, the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
======
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
======
Oh, Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
======
Pig!
======
Bitch!

[Waynem]

The following are ture stores as they are about "us."

In the 70's while crossing the country from NC to TX, my wife had prepared some food substances to much on. Boiled eggs were easy to fix and carry, along with other things. As it was getting hungry out, I asked, "Where's the food?" She pulled out the food stuff and we started snacking. At one point she had a mouth full of coffee and I had just stuffed two boiled eggs in my mouth. (Yeah! Big mouth!) and while putting a finger on each side of my cheek, mumbled, "Wook a Pimple!"

She lost it and sprayed the windshield with coffee.

Yesterday, as we were coming here to Park on the Lake, we had not taken the time to eat lunch, so she packed some snacks in the plastic sack. Once we were underway I stated that I was hungry, so she took out the Combos, soft drink, and Red Swizzle Sticks, my favorite. I munched down the reds, she some combos, me some combos and then she starts opening a pack of sun flower seeds. Now I know better than to drive and eat sun flower seeds, but I did reach over and said, "Give me one!" As I put it in my mouth, she started looking around for something to put the shells she had into. She said, "What are we going to do with the shells?

Well, I couldn't resist. So , PFfft, Pffft, at her and she almost lost it again.

This morning she was taking her bath/shower. Suddenly I heard a mumble and turned the volume down on the tv and said "What!"

She replied, "Would you please get me a towel?"

As I was walking by the kitchen I grabbed one square of the paper towel.

I opened the shower door and handed it in to her.

She said, "You (expletive deleted)" with a laughing grin on her face.


Ah! Don't you just love camping!!!!!

[Waynem]

Quick Check for Alzheimer's

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School
of Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can read
each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age
cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.

2. This is is cat.

3. This is how cat.

4. This is to cat.

5. This is keep cat.

6. This is an cat.

7. This is old cat.

8. This is fart cat.

9. This is busy cat.

10. This is for cat.

11. This is forty cat.

12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down

[Waynem]

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
'How much do you weigh?' she asks.
'115,' she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.

The nurse asks, 'Your height?'
'5 foot 8,' she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5'.

She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
'Of course it's high!' she screams,
'When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!'

[Waynem]

Flour and Water

How come when you mix water and flour together
you get glue?..
and then you add eggs
and sugar...
and you get cake?

Where did the glue go ?

NEED AN ANSWER?

You know darned well where it went!

That's what makes the cake
Stick to your BUTT

[slewis]

So, did you get her the bath towel? Just wonderin....
Sandy

[Waynem]

You bet I did after that!

[Waynem]

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

He never heard the shot....