A Retired Husband
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been
causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this
type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family
from shopping in any of our stores.
We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.
Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your
husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been
compiled and are listed below.
Mr. Wally Underpants
President and CEO of Wal-Mart Complaint Department
MEMO
Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has
done while his spouse is shopping:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of
M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a
carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from
the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he
begins to cry and asks Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as
a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly
humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna
look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse
through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those
voices again!!!!"
(And; last, but not least!)
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and
waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet
paper in here!"
