Humor - Page 4 - Montana Owners Club

Waynem · 01-27-2008, 05:22 AM

RETIREMENT PLANNING FOR 2008....

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, You would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan

Bradln · 01-27-2008, 11:51 AM

Psychiatric Hotline

RING
RING
CLICK

Recording - "Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline."

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Waynem · 01-29-2008, 12:33 PM

Gentle thoughts for today:

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting
moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today, it's called golf .

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN..!!

tom41 · 01-30-2008, 08:40 AM

IDIOT SIGHTING

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded,
"That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

DIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."

Waynem · 01-31-2008, 04:12 AM

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

Waynem · 01-31-2008, 11:10 AM

Waynem · 01-31-2008, 12:27 PM

CAN YOU FOLLOW DIRECTIONS

THIS IS A TIMED TEST

1. Read everything carefully before doing anything
2. Put your name in the upper right hand corner of this paper
3. Circle the word "name" in sentence two
4. Draw five small squares in the upper left hand corner
5. Put an "X" in each square
6. Put a circle around each square
7. Sign your name under the title of this paper
8. After the title, write "Ye, Yes, Yes."
9. Put a circle completely around sentence seven
10. Put an "X" in the lower left corner of this paper
11. Draw a triangle around the ''X" you just put down
12. On the back of this paper, multiply 703 by 66
13. Draw a rectangle around the word corner in sentence four
14. Loudly call out your first name when you get this far along
15. If you think you have followed directions carefully to this point, call out "I have."
16. On the reverse side of this paper, add 8950 and 9005
17. Put a circle around your answer, and put a square around the circle
18. In your normal speaking voice, count from 10 to 1 backwards
19. Punch three small holes in the top of this paper with your pencil point
20. If you are the first person to reach this point, loudly call out, "I am the first person to reach this point and I follow directions."
21. underline all even numbers on the left side of this paper
22. Put a square around each written-out number on this paper
23. Loudly call out, "I am nearly finished, I have followed directions."
24. Now that you have finished reading everything carefully, do only sentences one and two

Waynem · 01-31-2008, 12:39 PM

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him,
"Lord, we don't need You anymore. Science has finally
figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In
other words, we can now do what You did in the
'beginning'.

"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.

"Well, " says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form
it into the likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus
creating man."

"Well, that's interesting, show Me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to
mold the soil.

"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God,

( I love this )

"Get your own dirt."

Waynem · 01-31-2008, 12:46 PM

A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly the
plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man
had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her
Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in
Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your
legs?" The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to
stretch his legs."

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when
they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not
only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.

Bradln · 02-01-2008, 05:28 PM

I JUST KNEW I WAS IN BIG TROUBLE AT WORK WHEN...

...the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.

...the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.

...my assistant began responding to my memos with, "Yeah, whatever."

...I got a "It's for you loser" wave receiving e-mail, & not a chime.

...my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend.

...the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record.

...the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.

...I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work.

...my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.

...my secretary says things like "Get the phone, my nails aren't dry."

...three people began helping me write a "desk manual" for my job.

...the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.

...a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.

...the receptionist began saying "Who ???" to anyone calling on me

BB_TX · 02-03-2008, 06:06 AM

Get ready for a big laugh.
http://www.myrvspace.com/videos/video.php?vid=4

Wifeofdano · 02-04-2008, 03:21 AM

PET DIARIES

DOG DIARY :

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

CAT DIARY:

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the
rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to
keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of
escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their
feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could
hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was
due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to
use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try
this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and
seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My
captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is
safe..... for now...

Waynem · 02-04-2008, 11:27 AM

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists: Two men and a
woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will
find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her! The man said, "You can't be
serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not
the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man
was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.
All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his
eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't
have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the
woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. 5 shots were heard, one after
another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a
few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with
blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL: Women are evil.

Waynem · 02-06-2008, 04:19 PM

I've been wanting to join a health club for a long time now so I went to the one 6 blocks down the street from me on 25th Street. It was ladies day but I learned something very important!

DO NOT SWALLOW BUBBLE-GUM BEFORE YOU EXERCISE !!

Waynem · 02-07-2008, 10:45 AM

A recent study found the average American golfer, walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found American golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means, on average, American golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon. Kind of makes you proud.

Wifeofdano · 02-07-2008, 12:03 PM

RETIREMENT PLANNING FOR 2008

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year
ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have
had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you
would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased
$1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have
$36.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth
of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans
for the aluminum recycling REFUND, You would have had
$214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment
advice is to drink
heavily and recycle.

It's called
the 401-Keg Plan.

tom41 · 02-07-2008, 01:11 PM

HAHAHAHA!!!!! LISAAAAAAAAAA!! Have a "chug-a-lug" !

Waynem · 02-08-2008, 02:26 AM

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

Bradln · 02-10-2008, 08:59 AM

You know it's time for a diet when:

You dive into a swimming pool so your friends can go surfing.

You have to apply your makeup with a paint roller.

Weight Watchers demands your resignation.

You step on a pennyweight scale that gives you your fortune and it says, "One at a time please!"

Your face is so full that you look like you're wearing horn-rimmed contact lenses.

The bus driver asks you to sit on the other side because he wants to make a turn without flipping over.

You're at school in the classroom and turn around and erase the entire blackboard

They throw puffed rice at your wedding.

You hiccup in your bathing suit, and it looks like someone adjusting a venetian blind.

You fall down and try to get up, and in the process rock yourself to sleep.

Waynem · 02-11-2008, 02:28 AM

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.

Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests the electronics of the car be removed down to its parts and then try to trace where a fault might have occurred.

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that may be the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again? Maybe it'll work!?"

You may also like: