Clean, Non-Rv Jokes

[D and M On The Road]

Menopause Jewlery

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big redmark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

[Glenn and Lorraine]

Old Golfers

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Edna.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."

"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Ronald along?"

"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"He has perfect eyesight, though. He could watch your ball," Edna pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Ronald looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

"Did you see where it went?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Ronald answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot." Ronald replied.

[prariepoodle]

These are soooooo funny thanks for the laugh.. Wish I had one to add.

[Glenn and Lorraine]

A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son John in New York one November day.

The father says to the son, "I hate to tell you this John, but we've got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can't stand each other anymore, and we're getting a divorce. I've had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I'm telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn't go into shock later when I move out."

He hangs up, and the John immediately calls his sister Sue in the Hamptons and tells her the news.

Sue says, "I'll handle this."

She calls Florida and says to her father, "Don't do ANYTHING till John and I get there! We'll be there Wednesday night."

The father agrees, "All right."

The old man hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?"

[Glenn and Lorraine]

Ways To Drive A Man Crazy~
~ Take the batteries out of all the remotes in the house.
~ Hide his mouse.
~ Organize his workshop, bedroom, or other special place.
~ Shrink his underwear in the dryer and when he complains, innocently
suggest that he's gained a few pounds.
~ Stare at his forehead and when he notices, casually ask if there is
any history of male pattern baldness on his mother's side.
~ "Accidentally" fill the gas tank of his new diesel with gas.
~ Repeatedly misplace the cordless phone, preferably in a different
room each time.
~ Insist upon a lot of "meaningful conversations."
~ Have your mother fly in for a month-long visit unannounced.
~ Reverse his contact lenses in their case.
~ Snip a small hole in his fishing waders, then follow him with a
camera to capture his "sinking" on film.
~ Superglue the pages of his Sport Illustrated magazine together.
~ Change his password to the MOC!

[Glenn and Lorraine]

The graduate...

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

[Glenn and Lorraine]

A Quote from Cheers


The answer to one of life's great mysteries! I haven't heard anyone explain this as well as the all-wise Cliff Clavin, on the sitcom Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm... "Well ya see Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. "In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the lowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer elimates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

[tbhd]

Six guys are playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

The game ends. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife? They draw straws. Rippington picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretions is my middle name, leave it to me."

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "Tell him to drop dead!"

Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

[tbhd]

Another one---

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. Holmes said, "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you"

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."

[palebluedot]

Indian Chief gets up to address the council and announces that he has bad news and good news. First, bad news - due to summer drought corn crop flop, nothing to eat all winter except buffalo dung. Now good news - have PLENTY buffalo dung !!!

[palebluedot]

Fire destroyed the library at Ole Miss (substitute your favorite school). It burned up both of their books. The tragedy was that they only had an opportunity to color in one of them.

[palebluedot]

Another blonde joke.

A blonde buys a puzzle and takes it home.

After an hour she has none of it together. She gets
frustrated and calls her boyfriend. She says " I just
bought this puzzle, but i can't find any of the edges
and none of the pieces fit together"

He asks her what is the picture supposed to be.

She says " a rooster"

He says " I'll be over in a minute to help you"

When he gets there he says " damn honey! put all those
cornflakes back in the box!"

[Glenn and Lorraine]

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events is put into motion:

1. The woman goes to the store.
2. The woman fixes the salad, veggies, and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it in a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, 3rd beer in hand.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the veggies.
6. The woman comes outside to tell the man the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off" and upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there is no pleasing some women...

[Glenn and Lorraine]

Misc. Women Jokes

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two Mothers-in-law.

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

[vickir]

If you've ever dressed a child you will love this.

Did you hear about the Texas Teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.

Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and cream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they gotten the boots off than he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry, but she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots"

[tbhd]

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male
buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a
tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns
and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of animal to
splatter everywhere, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand
pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter
and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from
yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management
position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others
to clean up, disappear for rest of the day."

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.

[vickir]

Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
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Coca-Cola was originally green.
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It is impossible to lick your elbow.
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The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
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The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
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The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
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The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
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The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
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Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
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Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
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Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
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In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month ... which we know today as the honeymoon.
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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
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Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.
Now go and impress your friends!!!

[Glenn and Lorraine]

Good one Vicki and no I cannot lick my elbow but you already knew that.

[Glenn and Lorraine]

Why?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

What is the speed of dark?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?

If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?

[adelmoll]

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. I guess you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people that annoy me

I have flabby thighs. Fortunately my stomach covers them

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier

If you are going to try cross country skiing, start with a small country

Last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass