Puns

[Cat320]

(1) King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war
with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the
Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he
went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll
give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the
King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus
replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

(2) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately
destroyed in a fire, and we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

(3) A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think
I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll
just have to be a little patient."

(4) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins
that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One
day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some
more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the
road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he
was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for
immortal porpoises.

(5) Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to
produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches,
they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so
bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California
... This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has
a Tates is lost!"

(6) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets
and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We
have absolutely nothing to go on."

(7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.
After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of
elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and
swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man
returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said,
"The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

(8) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name
missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the
local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have
taken Leif off my census."

(9) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on
an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three
became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept
on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw
of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two
hides.