For marines that were married while in service - Montana Owners Club

lwcdg · 11-08-2008, 09:59 AM

I've been told the divorce rate is over 80%, is this true?

What are the biggest problems?

thanks from a concerned parent,
Chuck

H. John Kohl · 11-08-2008, 10:09 AM

Chuck,
My opinion is the service sends the members where they want them to be stationed. This can separate a house hold. Now you have a single parent trying to care for the children and still satisfy the demands of the military.
Those demands are under a contracts which prevent members from just quitting a job when they want to take care of their family.
My other opinion is the divorce rate in the country is higher than it use to be so couples do not seem focused on making it work and just go their separate ways.
These are just my opinion.

Wschep · 11-08-2008, 10:15 AM

Where do I start with the concerns? The Army owns you and doesn't seem to care at all about the family. These guys go away for months on end and are supposed to come home and make like all is normal -toddlers under foot, wives "needs", bills to deal with and its tough. Not to mention the trauma they have been faced with while away. Wives become independent and strong and now have to rely on a new decision maker. It takes a lot of commitment and very special people to make it work. I respect these families who make it work very much!!! Its tough. We have lived first hand with the daughter and two toddlers that miss daddy - perhaps a call on Christmas is what they live for - if they can get through... Another THANKS to all the families who sacrifice for us -- We shouldn't take our freedom so for granted.

lwcdg · 11-08-2008, 10:38 AM

John & Wschep thanks for the quick replies. I should explain my questions a little better. Daughter is dating and getting serious (little too fast for parents). Daughter went to high school with this young man but never dated. He came back on leave 6 months ago and they've went out a few more times. Many phone calls and emails. He is stationed in S Ca in a training station. We've been told that since he's stationed there he'll "never deploy". I can only hope this is true but we're having a hard time believing this statement.

So now here's a Midwest girl looking into transfering colleges to be near her guy. Now let me say as far as we know he's a great guy.
The question is the lifestyle is so different in Ca. There's no family near and no support other than Jim her boyfriend.
Is she going to have any difficulty with military lifestyle? probably but since I've never been there thought I ask you guys.
Now I'm ready for more thoughts from the Marines.
Thanks
Chuck

ARJ · 11-08-2008, 11:05 AM

It doesn't matter which branch. I was single when I was in and no wife would have put up with me when I returned from Korea. My son is a LtCol in the Marines and he is separated from his wife because he has been away from home so much.

Military life and married life are a hard act to try and juggle.

H. John Kohl · 11-08-2008, 01:57 PM

The good news is the military is a family and they try to help and take care of each other.
I guess you look at the college transfer as any transfer where the boyfriend is the motivating factor.

If she does not fight authority she could adapt to the military life style. Authority being the military taking her boyfriend away at the drop of a phone call.

lwcdg · 11-08-2008, 03:37 PM

John I've never met a "lady" that didn't fight "authority". H a H a -))))
Now back to the subject yes the military authority is what concerns me. The "family" is a good thing whether by blood or by association.
The other reason she's out there this weekend is for something called the Marine Corp Ball. Sounds like a big deal and I'm believing she'll have a great time.

Waynem · 11-08-2008, 04:17 PM

I'm a little prejudice, having spent 23, 6 months, and 1 day in the Marine Corps, and having a Colonel son in the Marine Corps today. I was married in San Diego, CA in 1961 after knowing the wife for 2 weeks. We will be married for 48 years in March, 2009.

Yes, there were hardships, some of which I did not thing we sould endure, but we did. There were separations, many of them, some short, some for a year (Vietnam). I didn't see my first born (the Colonel) until he was 6 months old, as I was deployed when he was born. I lived in 14 houses in the first seven years of our marriage. Some of our own choosing and some because of military transfers. Military schools typically count as an accompanied transfer. I have lived on spaghetti and catchup, pinto beans, and never any of the two at the same time, and had enough fuel to cook for only 3 weeks out of the month, or to keep warm in the winter (Mohave desert during this time) and it was a hassle. The constant moving can be a hassle. The separations can be a hassle. The disciplines needed to sustain a military life style can be a hassle, because some of it is taken home to the household. It is sometimes difficult to leave it at work, when it is installed in you 24 hours a day for months, or years.

My son has been married 20+ years with two wonderful children, called grand children (wonderful to have)

What can you do? Nothing dad, nothing, because what ever will be will be. If two people want to get married there is nothing that you can do but shackle one of them to the bed post and keep the other one away. That doesn't work and you will end up with a daughter that will not speak to you.

You do need to counsel her to help her make her decisions, but you cannot make the decisions for her. You have to support her. You have to tell her the first time she calls when something is going wrong that you are there for her, but you need to be firm (strong love) and help "them" through any rough times. Remember, you are not losing a daughter, you are gaining a Marine son. The Marine Corps is a brotherhood that many can not understand.

Semper Fi!

Edited: Sorry for being so winded on this. Give a call some time if you have a mind to.

Also, check the Divorce Rates page.

Or, Marine Corps Divorce Rate blog

You can Google search on the words: Marine Corps divorce rate

Ask your daughter to do the same research - not as a deterrent, but as an awareness of what to expect and to possibly prevent a divorce from happening whenever she gets married, military or non-military.

skypilot · 11-08-2008, 06:13 PM

Wayne gives some very good counsel, not just for a future spouse of a Marine, but for any service member.

I personally think that there are several reasons why military marriages break up so much -- one being age. When I joined most Junior enlisted and Junion grade Officers were single (in fact I vividly remember my First Sergeant telling me very loudly when I put in the necessary paperwork to marry (yeap - had to have command approval during 1971 to get married) that "Specialist, If the Army wanted you to have a family it would have issued you one! I don't see any 'family requisition' on my desk, so I don't think the Army wants you to have one. Now get outta my office." Lucky for me and my wife of over 37 years that the CO didn't agree

We were a very young couple when attending a lot of the social events I was required to attend in some of my assignments.

The 2nd reason is the upbringing of women in those days (no flames please -- this is my opinion only!!). However, much like the movie 'PleasantVille', women at that time were just entering the work force and most still had expectations of getting married and being stay at home moms. Our culture has changed in the past 30 plus years and today's men and women are no longer of that mind set. Both are more independent (for the most part -- I have seen some exceptions in my life) and less tolerant of those beliefs -- just as your comment above about 'lady fighting authority'. It used to be the military member was expected to 'control his/her dependents' -- I don't know for sure about today but from what I see at the 3 neighboring commissary and Post/Base Exchanges, that control is non-existant today.

There are some excellent steps being taken to provide family support groups and assistance to our family members of deployed military. However, if they live off-post they may not know of these, or not have the necessary means to attend the meetings (child care, transportation, etc). Also, pay is a very serious issue - you don't mention what rank your daughter's young man is, but if he is junior enlisted, things can be very tight, especially in high cost living areas.

Just as when we got married, there are pitfalls. My dad basically said that since I felt I was old enough to get married, I was old enough not to bother him. Thank the Lord that my wife's parents didn't do that -- as Wayne said above, be available to counsel, and to provide a loving shoulder to cry on. You may even have to have her move back in during an extended deployment but do remember that, although she is your little girl, she is also his wife and has to prepare for, and develop into, that long-term function. (I hope I said that right!).

Sorry for being so long winded. Regardless of what she decides to do, may her life be filled by a loving family!

lwcdg · 11-08-2008, 06:56 PM

Guys, you're GREAT not long winded at all! Basically you've understood my questions and concerns. You've answered honestly and as I know with any relationship there's ups and downs. They are both 20 - 21 so I'm looking to help them realize the complexities of life. Bills, lack of money, unexpected breakdowns etc.

Our goal with our 2 kids was to get them thru college debt free. Our son should graduate this May. Now with our daughter thinking about out of state schools, well there goes the budget. But we'll do our best. That's what parents are for.
Thanks again guys,
Chuck

H. John Kohl · 11-09-2008, 01:32 AM

MARINE CORPS BALL, oh everything is fine. That is the celebration of the Marine Corps birthday and being predigest no one does it better. If you ever get a chance please attend one. Suite and tie to full formal are accepted.

My aunt told my mother, "They will amount to something in spite of us."
Best of luck and let us know how things turn out.

Parrothead · 11-09-2008, 03:39 AM

I have one little thought on this. I grew up partly as an Army brat. And I have been a single parent. When a woman is left with the children and all the household duties and problems, she becomes a survivor and a bit independent. Most military men are strong willed and if an officer used to dictating. When the soldier comes home, the two personalities (probably changed from the wedding day) often do not match well. BTW my parents were married for 53 years.
Happy trails..........................

stiles watson · 11-09-2008, 06:16 AM

There are outside and external pressures placed on military families, especially on those service men who experience combat. Combat changes people. People have different capacities to adjust to those changes. As a former Marine and a counselor, I have to say we have not yet fully learned how to prepare these men for reentry into non-combat roles. For those who have difficulty making adjustment, it can be a major stresser in marriage.

Having said that,I don't think the military pressures destroy marriages. My experience with families indicates that it is not the external forces that bring down marriages, but what it is the failure of one or both partners to bring full commitment to the relationship. Said another way, it is not what happens around the partnership rather what the partners bring to the partnership.

Military marriages can and have worked. In my family and my wife's family, There are many who served in WWII and Korea, B-17 pilots and navigators, and infantrymen, both officers and enlisted. In no case can I find a marriage among them that fell apart because of military experience. The same is true for me and my two brothers. Dianna and I have been married for 48 years now.

Waynem · 11-09-2008, 06:52 AM

It's love, devotion, understanding, commitment, and a bunch of other items that keep a marriage intact. If it is going to fail, it is going to fail. Just as saying, "You can't get married!" Is just as saying, "You can't get divorced!" Advice, counseling, understanding, sympathy, and all that goes with it are necessary, but may not prevent a divorce. Also, they make it to darn easy with "irreconcilable differences!!!"

I wish them the best. And tell that Marine that he better treat her right, or the rest of us Marines will kick the crap out of him, after dad gets done!

TLightning · 11-09-2008, 08:30 AM

The previous posters covered the subject well. I'll comment on an earlier post that said "the Army does not seem to care about the family." That may have been true years ago, but not any more. There are many services and progams available to both the married couple and the single parent (while the other parent is deployed). On post/base housing has greatly increased as has child care and many other programs for children.

IMHO, with the limited funding available, we have gone a bit too far, with these programs. We need more in the R & D, training, and equipment areas. Taking care of families is important, but not our number one mission.

Old GI · 11-09-2008, 09:23 AM

John Kohl is right. My wife and I married in 1960 so she spent a lot of time waving goodbye to me while holding the three kids close. She has a window sticker that says the toughest job in the Army is being an Army wife and she is right.

Waynem · 11-09-2008, 02:44 PM

My wife is not only a Marine wife, she is a Marine! Talk about double jeopardy.

They issued her to me!

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