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Old 01-23-2008, 01:48 PM   #41
Waynem
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A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.

In court, the RV transport company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie"

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck hauling this fifth wheel camper ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said "How are you feeling?"

"Now, your Honor, what would you say?"
 
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Old 01-23-2008, 02:56 PM   #42
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The Rules of Rural Michigan are as Follows:
Listen up City Slickers !
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive,you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I94 goes east and west, I75 goes north and south. Pick one.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $150,000 corn pickers and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. So every person in rural Michigan waves. We think of it as being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah, we eat taters & gravy, beans & cornbread. We fry our fish after catchin' 'em. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the 15th of November.

10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats (includes fish), vegetables, and breads. We use four spices: salt, pepper, hot sauce and ketchup. Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.

14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

15. College and High School Football is as important here as the Bears and the Bulls, and a dang site more fun to watch.

16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.

17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities, Community Colleges, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come
for the holidays.

18. We have a whole ton of folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.

19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to #1.

20. 4 inches isn't a blizzard - it's a flurry. Drive like you got some sense in it, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and toilet paper from the grocery stores. This ain't Alaska, worst case you may have to live a whole day without croissants. The pickups with snow blades will have you out the next day.



.
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Old 01-23-2008, 03:01 PM   #43
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Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
nope peoples, this isnt Nancy and Me, I always buy the clothes!!

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every guy on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that gal knows I'm smarter than her.
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Old 01-24-2008, 03:08 AM   #44
Waynem
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I hope Blonde jokes are acceptable. If you are blonde, I know you are not dumb.
=================================
A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peel off prize label. She pulls off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!"

The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!"

The blonde replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!"

By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"

Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!"

The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."
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Old 01-24-2008, 03:48 AM   #45
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If'n y'all see me on the road, HONK!

10th Anniversary Edition
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Old 01-24-2008, 01:02 PM   #46
tom41
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Wayne is that the Big Sky new model?
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Old 01-24-2008, 01:46 PM   #47
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What Law?

It turns out that the "Old King Cole" of nursery rhyme fame is loosely based on a 14th century ruler.

The slightly mad monarch is best known for his decree that the entire fiefdom's crop of lettuce be diced and drenched in mayonnaise.

He called it, of course, Cole's Law.
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Old 01-24-2008, 01:48 PM   #48
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Chess at the Hotel

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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Old 01-24-2008, 01:51 PM   #49
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The Babylonian General

An ancient Babylonian general was once involved in a plot to overthrow the king. His plot included a number of followers in the upper ranks of the army. However, his plot was uncovered, and the king threw him in jail. The king sentenced him to death without a trial.

However, from the jail he was able to secretly contact his followers to arrange to escape, meet his followers, and attack the king's palace at night. So the night before his scheduled execution, the general managed to escape from prison. He fled to a ziggurat several kilometers away, where his followers would meet him. However, the ziggurat was one of several in the area, and he wasn't sure if his cohorts would find the right ziggurat. By this time it was twilight, so he lit a small fire and sent smoke signals to indicate in which structure he was hiding.

However, the king's loyal soldiers saw the smoke coming from the ziggurat, and came to arrest him before he could meet his followers. He was executed later that day.

The moral of the story? WARNING: The searching general has determined that smoking ziggurats can be extremely hazardous to your stealth.
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Old 01-24-2008, 01:55 PM   #50
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Flossing Lesson

A husband stood in front of the bathroom mirror, carefully flossing his teeth. "Ooh!" he would sigh every once in a while, or "Aaah!" as the little thread did its work.

Suddenly and seemingly without provocation, his wife stomped into the bathroom and gave him a swift kick.

Bewildered, the husband demanded, "What was that for ?"

I'm sorry, "his wife replied stiffly, ... "but I just don't believe in sighing flossers."
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Old 01-24-2008, 01:57 PM   #51
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Three Bears

These three guys are out fishing, and when they get back to their truck they see it's surrounded by three bears.

"OK guys, I figure the only way to get to the truck is to really get them mad. Then they'll leave and we can go home. So, Ed, you take the one on the left, the little cub with the broken leg, and I'll take the one in the middle, the little cub with one eye and a hurt paw, and Joe, you take the one on the right, the huge silvertip mama grizzly bear with blood-encrusted claws, the big teeth, and froth around the mouth".

"Hey, man wait a sec, I'm supposed to get this monster mad, and you guys get the cubs ? That's not fair!"

"Now, now, Joe. We all have our bears to cross."
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Old 01-24-2008, 01:58 PM   #52
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Once a Bagger...

A young man had been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for several years.

One day the supermarket got new orange juice machines.

The bag boy was excited and asked the manager if he could work the juice machines.

The manager turned him down.

The bag boy said, "But I've been working here for five years. Why can't I run the juice machines?"

The manager said, "I'm sorry, but baggers can't be juicers."
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Old 01-24-2008, 02:15 PM   #53
Waynem
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Tom41,
I fixed the picture. (Oh! Was that a joke?)
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Old 01-24-2008, 02:59 PM   #54
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FAMILY

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house
together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She
puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other
sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come
up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was
I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having
tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and
says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock
on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both
of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
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Old 01-24-2008, 03:05 PM   #55
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DRIVING OMG!!!

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -
both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were
cruising along, they came to an intersection. The
stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must
be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through
a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to
another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the
passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been
red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous. At the next intersection,
sure enough, the light was red and they went on
through. So, she turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three
red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her a nd said, "Oh, crap, am I
driving"?
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Old 01-24-2008, 03:24 PM   #56
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Four elderly gentlemen were standing in the pro shop discussing their games.

One old fellow said "I had 10 'riders' today. How many did you have?"

The response was that he had only 5 riders. The pro overhearing this conversation asked another old gentleman what they were talking about.

"What is a 'rider'?" he asked.

"Well, a rider is when you hit the ball far enough that you have to get in the cart and ride up to the ball.
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Old 01-24-2008, 03:42 PM   #57
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You know you're trailer trash when...

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!"

Your Junior/Senior prom had a daycare.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
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Old 01-24-2008, 03:49 PM   #58
Waynem
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An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.

"OH MY GOD! ..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

Even the river stopped moving ...

As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around...

"YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?"

Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"VERY WELL." Said God.

The light went out.

The river ran.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."
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Old 01-25-2008, 04:04 PM   #59
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* Can you cry under water?

* How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

* Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'? But it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? What's that extra penny going to?

* Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

* Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

* What disease did cured ham actually have?

* How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

* Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

* Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

* Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

* Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

* Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

* Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

* Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

* Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

* If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?

* Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your bottom?

* Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
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Old 01-26-2008, 07:22 AM   #60
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In fairness to our better halves. They have all thought it at one time or other.

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma." And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
-----------------------------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
-----------------------------------------------------------
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN
---------------------------------------------------------------------Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
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