I maybe NUTS..

[vickir]

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate.

So he says,"Grandfather, are these plates clean?" His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as coldwater can get them, so go on and finish your meal".

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate, so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, "I told you those dishes are as clean as coldwater can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore".

Well, later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, grandfather's dog who was lying on the floor started to growl and would not let him pass.

"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, " Coldwater,get your butt out of the way!"

[Parrothead]

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor
home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in
"Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

[Montana_621]

OMG!!!!! EWWW!!!! Cute joke.

quote:Originally posted by vickir

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate.

So he says,"Grandfather, are these plates clean?" His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as coldwater can get them, so go on and finish your meal".

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate, so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, "I told you those dishes are as clean as coldwater can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore".

Well, later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, grandfather's dog who was lying on the floor started to growl and would not let him pass.

"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, " Coldwater,get your butt out of the way!"

[vickir]

Isn't it the truth???

A comedian recently had this to say about Martha Stewart:

"Boy, I feel safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. & Kobe are walking around, Scott Peterson's going to be soon, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook and clean and haul her to jail."

[vickir]

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.

A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Don't Mess With Old Ladies

[Glenn and Lorraine]

Poor Mr. Maxwell. . .
Few people know that the late Mr. Maxwell, founder of Maxwell House Coffee, was a veteran skydiver and an avid RVer. Near his hometown, it was common to find Mr. Maxwell at the airport in his Big Sky Fifth Wheel, relaxing and visiting with his many friends as he waited for his next jump. One fateful day, however, something went terribly wrong, and his parachute failed to open. His friends and employees were horrified, to say the least, at the demise of this very kind and gentle man. And so when it came to preparing his epitaph, they had no problem finding the words:

"Mr. Maxwell . . . good to the last drop."

[Glenn and Lorraine]

Mad full-timers!

A newly retired couple from Fond du Lac, Wisconsin, Mildred and Art Stutmeyer, were wrapping up their third month of full-time RVing, driving down a lonely two-lane back road near Yuba City, California. But it wasn't a happy day, because they were steaming mad at each other. Their nerves were really on edge, probably because they had opted for a 24-foot fifth wheel trailer instead of one with more space, and the close quarters were driving them both batty! For example, Art kept getting mad at Mildred for leaving her bras on the dresser. And Mildred was equally bothered by Art's constant belching and farting and the fact that he never even apologized for being so disgusting.

The silence in their Ford pickup truck was deafening. It seemed they had argued for an hour. But now, only silence. "It wasn't supposed to be like this," Mildred said to herself, holding back tears. Art, frowning, was also deep in thought, thinking, "If only we had bought that 38-footer." Yes, it was a very tense time.

As they drove past a huge barnyard packed fence-to-fence with big, fat, ugly pigs includiing one with tusks, Mildred, who was now about to pop with pent up frustration, just couldn't resist making a sarcastic comment. Pointing to the pigs, she said slyly, "Relatives of yours?"


Art, equally frustrated, stared back at her. "Yeh, they're relatives," he said, "They're In-laws!"

[vickir]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he
could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot
yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a
minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the
door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior"

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his
behavior, the bird continued,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"



HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

[Glenn and Lorraine]

[vickir]

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab,then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened,apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.

[Glenn and Lorraine]

A retired full-time RVer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other waiting for Friday night seating at a local favorite (and very busy) seafood restaurant. The RVer leans over to the blonde and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and hungry and just wants to be left alone as she waits to get a table, so she politely declines and turns her head to watch the people dining in the restaurant.

The RVer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot o fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa."

Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to avoid looking at him. The RVer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer.

"Okay, how about this, If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This immediately catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The RVer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the RVer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the RVer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The RVer looks at her with a puzzled look. He hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to give her attention back to the restaurant.

The RVer, who is more than a little frustrated, asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and, comes down with four?" Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the RVer $5, and is then called to be seated at her table.