Diary Of A Snow Shoveler
December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving north and spending the winter and not going south like so many of the MOCers was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled snow for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor, Bob, tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold the wife's Honda and bought a 4x4 GMC Sierra 2500HD with the Duramax/Allison combo. Also bought 2 extra shovels and stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's ridiculous after all we already have a generator out in the Monty. We aren't in Alaska you know.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours and I can't get to the Monty as it is buried with drifting snow. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I shoulda bought the wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the dang white stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. That dang snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying too. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. He's such a liar.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the a-hole is lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's dang well lying.
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke 2 of the shovels. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a B who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his ears. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the snowplow.
December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the
blankety blank blank slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my only good shovel and broke it too.
December 26: Still snowed in. The wife wanted to move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves. Why oh why didn't I listen to Glenn and Lorraine and take the Monty to Florida for the winter.
December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The Old Lady is really starting to drive me crazy!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the snow off the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the concussion I gave him. The wife went home to her mother. 9 more inches predicted.
December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house and it spread to the Montana. Yeah well, No more shoveling.
January 5: 2 Men in white jackets stopped by. They think I'm crazy and want me to put on this funny jacket.
January 7: I feel sooooo good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I strapped to the bed? Why are the walls padded?
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